I hope my friend doesn't get mad at me for bringing this up but she posted something the other day about someone calling an adopted child a rescue, like an animal. I am totally floored that someone is that ignorant! WOW!
*smh*
I have no patience for this anymore. My mouth is going to have to start going full speed to encourage POSITIVE adoption conversations. Damn!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Life Altering
My life was stale for a while. I was letting the same people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I put up fights but not hard enough. I was beaten battered and abused. What it all comes down to is in my personal life I don't FULLY deal with my emotions so when I am alone I don't 'cry' or 'lash' out I just hide behind my words or music that best describes those feelings.
When I was younger, like in my teens and before the adoption, I would write for HOURS on end in journals and turn those things into music, poems and sonnets. I still to this day think if I applied myself and let it all flow that I could write a pretty thich book about my life but change names and people in it.
In no way is my situation normal, though whos is, but in no way is my situation abnormal. I know who I am and I have an idea of who I want to be those aren't the issues. The issues are what are my next steps, EVERYTIME. So here I am today and I know my next step, getting a job. Fixing my life piece by piece. What I want, and why I wrote this here, is I want my kids to be proud of me. I want my son to look back on my hard times and thank me for not dragging him through the dirt and I want my daughter to see how hard I worked at making her life as great as it could be so she knows I love her too.
When I was younger, like in my teens and before the adoption, I would write for HOURS on end in journals and turn those things into music, poems and sonnets. I still to this day think if I applied myself and let it all flow that I could write a pretty thich book about my life but change names and people in it.
In no way is my situation normal, though whos is, but in no way is my situation abnormal. I know who I am and I have an idea of who I want to be those aren't the issues. The issues are what are my next steps, EVERYTIME. So here I am today and I know my next step, getting a job. Fixing my life piece by piece. What I want, and why I wrote this here, is I want my kids to be proud of me. I want my son to look back on my hard times and thank me for not dragging him through the dirt and I want my daughter to see how hard I worked at making her life as great as it could be so she knows I love her too.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Approaching a hard topic
I won't be giving an accurate deception of this article but quite honestly I couldn't get through it without breaking into heaving sobs but its out there. There is this article in the SLC times and it talks about 'Open Adoption' and the good it puts out there. While I agree whole heartily I also disagree. These 'written contracts' are crap. I think that if we are going to enter into a lifetime of trust it ALL needs to be legal. It ALL needs to go through the courts and ALL parties need to be notified if ANYTHING changes. Divorce, moving, even a change in the adoption contract. I think we all need to be held legally responsible for our actions because everything we do will be apart of this child life.
I think a judge needs to be able to look at a situation with a fresh perspective and make a judgement call for the well being of the child. People like myself shouldn't be kept away. People who are intrusive should be. Yeah its all my anger and sadness in this but I honestly there needs to be new laws and courts put into play so things like what I have experienced don't happen. So I don't sit here thinking 'Well IF I fought these people in court.....' Yes ok I know going to court is stupid for just pictures and letters and I am not saying it would ever go past just the thought but the fact that the thought is there is whats irritating. I shouldn't have to think that just to hear how this child is doing.....
I think a judge needs to be able to look at a situation with a fresh perspective and make a judgement call for the well being of the child. People like myself shouldn't be kept away. People who are intrusive should be. Yeah its all my anger and sadness in this but I honestly there needs to be new laws and courts put into play so things like what I have experienced don't happen. So I don't sit here thinking 'Well IF I fought these people in court.....' Yes ok I know going to court is stupid for just pictures and letters and I am not saying it would ever go past just the thought but the fact that the thought is there is whats irritating. I shouldn't have to think that just to hear how this child is doing.....
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Media
So apparently every show I watch has an adoption plot line. What happens is I am extremely lenient with how adoption is portrayed. What happens is that there is the ONE show that breaks the line. The recent show has a young girl pregnant and she is talking about open adoption and her conversation with the other kid basically makes an attempt to insult those who have open adoptions.
She talks about how 'birth moms' show up for birthday's and Holidays. How they interrupt this kids life multiple times a year and upset the kid. Then just walk away. Then she tries to make it better by saying it doesn't mean its not right for others its just not right for her. You know don't walk around slinging mud and then try to fix it with a stupid one liner!
Annoyed.
She talks about how 'birth moms' show up for birthday's and Holidays. How they interrupt this kids life multiple times a year and upset the kid. Then just walk away. Then she tries to make it better by saying it doesn't mean its not right for others its just not right for her. You know don't walk around slinging mud and then try to fix it with a stupid one liner!
Annoyed.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The day
I signed my rights over on July 14th. There is a 72 hour hold in AZ where nothing can be done. I left the hospital the night I had you and let your mom and dad take over care immediately. They both had the hospital bracelets and came and got you the very next day when the doctor released you. We were all so very glad you were where you needed to be but I just wanted to be sure you were safe at all times so the hold was the worst 3 days of my life. I tried my best to stay calm but I was so worried about you in those two days you weren't in the hospital, what IF something went terribly wrong? I would have never forgiven myself.
First thing on that Wednesday morning I was at the agency awaiting paperwork. It was like the never ending story. I was so anxious to make sure your parents could become your parents that it never crossed my mind until it was over how I wasn't your mom anymore. I was so sad on the drive home. You were no longer mine.
I would tell your mom how I read stores about how mother and child are always connected by 'sound' that YOU would always remember my voice but that thought faded a few years ago. It really hurts that I am not in contact with you and your family like I had hoped and while 'Life goes on' it never gets any easier knowing you are older. I miss you everyday.
First thing on that Wednesday morning I was at the agency awaiting paperwork. It was like the never ending story. I was so anxious to make sure your parents could become your parents that it never crossed my mind until it was over how I wasn't your mom anymore. I was so sad on the drive home. You were no longer mine.
I would tell your mom how I read stores about how mother and child are always connected by 'sound' that YOU would always remember my voice but that thought faded a few years ago. It really hurts that I am not in contact with you and your family like I had hoped and while 'Life goes on' it never gets any easier knowing you are older. I miss you everyday.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Happy 13th Birthday
13 years ago today I was in a hospital alone. Contemplating my life and how I felt I had let not only myself down but you. You birth father couldn't even take the day off to comfort me when I was spiraling out of control. It was a Sunday. July 11th. A friend from school came and sat with me in the morning and held me while I cried, sadly her and I went our separate ways less then a year later. Between her leaving and your mom and dad finally being contacted and calling me to let me know they were on their way I had tons of time.
I knew how scared they were. The harsh realities were I could change my mind at any second and to be honest while we had made the connection I had the same worry, that they would change their mind. That they would see me with you and back out. Its not an easy task deciding to had over the miracle of life I had gotten so accustomed to feeling inside me for over 9 months. You were what made me feel somewhat human while I had NO CLUE what I was doing with my life.
I wish I could sit here and say I had plans of going to college and that was my reasoning because to be honest college wouldn't have led me to adoption. If that was my mind set I would have fought to keep you and still left your birth dad. Adoption set in because I had NO CLUE what I wanted out of life. I was 18 and alone. I had no goals and ambitions and really nothing to call my own, so how was I going to raise a child out of that? My family and I were on the outs and again the elusive birth dad's family couldn't be bothered with me. If he didn't do so much for them I would have been on the street WAY before I left him.
I never truly forgave myself for the adoption. It reminds me of this Episode of 'Friends' where Joey tells Pheobe that there is no true Selfless act that 'All selfless acts are selfish' that doing anything for anyone ends up being selfish. In the end everyone ends up a lot happy and a little bit sad. Do I wish I could have raised you? TOTALLY! Do I wish I could have waited to have you? Of course! Would I do any of it differently? NO FRIGGIN' WAY! You are the best version of you because 4 people loved you so much that they did everything in their power the second they met you to make sure your life was amazing.
So I end today in saying I love you so much. I hope one day you have a chance to sit down and read my blogs so you can see how much you mean to me. I saw pictures of you a couple of months ago and you look so much like your dad and you look so happy and healthy and BIG! (Kid is nearly 6 feet tall!!!) I hope you feel me in your heart today because for the first time in a few years I actually feel you. I miss you.
I knew how scared they were. The harsh realities were I could change my mind at any second and to be honest while we had made the connection I had the same worry, that they would change their mind. That they would see me with you and back out. Its not an easy task deciding to had over the miracle of life I had gotten so accustomed to feeling inside me for over 9 months. You were what made me feel somewhat human while I had NO CLUE what I was doing with my life.
I wish I could sit here and say I had plans of going to college and that was my reasoning because to be honest college wouldn't have led me to adoption. If that was my mind set I would have fought to keep you and still left your birth dad. Adoption set in because I had NO CLUE what I wanted out of life. I was 18 and alone. I had no goals and ambitions and really nothing to call my own, so how was I going to raise a child out of that? My family and I were on the outs and again the elusive birth dad's family couldn't be bothered with me. If he didn't do so much for them I would have been on the street WAY before I left him.
I never truly forgave myself for the adoption. It reminds me of this Episode of 'Friends' where Joey tells Pheobe that there is no true Selfless act that 'All selfless acts are selfish' that doing anything for anyone ends up being selfish. In the end everyone ends up a lot happy and a little bit sad. Do I wish I could have raised you? TOTALLY! Do I wish I could have waited to have you? Of course! Would I do any of it differently? NO FRIGGIN' WAY! You are the best version of you because 4 people loved you so much that they did everything in their power the second they met you to make sure your life was amazing.
So I end today in saying I love you so much. I hope one day you have a chance to sit down and read my blogs so you can see how much you mean to me. I saw pictures of you a couple of months ago and you look so much like your dad and you look so happy and healthy and BIG! (Kid is nearly 6 feet tall!!!) I hope you feel me in your heart today because for the first time in a few years I actually feel you. I miss you.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Moody
With the impending birthday 4 days away I have been more moody then usual. So its why I have not been blogging. Today I made him a beautiful Chocolate Mint Ice Cream Cake while cleaning my home in preparation for the small gathering I am having here tomorrow with a few friends.
As I sit here I am thinking of how NOTHING goes as planned and while I enjoy making plans and when they work I throw a mini party I am ready for the unexpected.
His due date was yesterday 13 years ago. He didn't come because he knew I had 3 more days of school and a graduation to attend. He was the most patient baby and while he got the hiccups OFTEN, as did his little sister, he was never a bother. I mean the throwing up nightly was a bother but in 9 months I just learned to live with it. It was just another thing that tied me to him. I was keeping him safe for his mom and dad and while I currently don't think they appreciated me as much as I had hoped I am sure they treat him like the most precious jewel in the world.
As I sit here I am thinking of how NOTHING goes as planned and while I enjoy making plans and when they work I throw a mini party I am ready for the unexpected.
His due date was yesterday 13 years ago. He didn't come because he knew I had 3 more days of school and a graduation to attend. He was the most patient baby and while he got the hiccups OFTEN, as did his little sister, he was never a bother. I mean the throwing up nightly was a bother but in 9 months I just learned to live with it. It was just another thing that tied me to him. I was keeping him safe for his mom and dad and while I currently don't think they appreciated me as much as I had hoped I am sure they treat him like the most precious jewel in the world.
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