When it comes to adoption there is no ONE way about it. There are so many misguided people out there. I wish I could answer all the worlds questions in one blog and be done with but its not that easy. There are many area's of adoption. Each situation is different in its own way based on the birth mom, the adoption parents, the child, the agency and so many other things.
I have a child, her name is Jordan. I also have a son for whom I am the 'birth mother' for. When I talk about Jordan she is my daughter when I talk about my birth son he is my son.
It took tremendous strength for me to choose adoption for my son. Only a mother who can face the facts about their own life can make this heart wrenching decision for their child. At the time I got pregnant my life was circling the drain and I had NO motivation to try and fix it because I was still a teenager. I wasn't even out of high school and I just wanted to be a child. The problem with that is that even without my son to raise I was still forced to grow up.
Don't get me wrong I did my completely childish things. I moved to a new state, I made new friends I took on jobs I would never do. I drank enough right after I turned 21 for 30 people in a life time. I grew quickly bored with that lifestyle. The issue is that the lifestyle masked my issues with the adoption. I was never forced to really face my pain, then I got pregnant and found a new way to ignore the adoption. Until the last year I have been able to ignore all that sadness and pain. This year seems to have brought it all on me like waves crashing down uncontrollably. I wish I had more control of what I feel but after 11 years of 'forgetting' but since I shoved that down for so long its like 11 years of sadness, anger, and depression are coming out all at once.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Be Realistic!
Here is a conversation from today. I deleted all the names but my own because I don't want to infringe on anyones personal life but I DID want to share the conversation. Please know what terms to use. If you aren't sure we are more than willing to educate you or let you know what we prefer.
Friday, November 4, 2011
National Adoption Month
I am going to try and NOT be all woe is me this month. Yeah I am going through something so difficult but that negative energy I am feeding myself really isn't worth it. I am thankful to finally have someone to lean on, ie all the new birth moms who have become my instant friends over the last month or so. I look forward to our weekly online chats and having banter on facebook with them.
I finally, 13 years since I found out I was pregnant, have someone who 'GETS ME' and all it took was me to look for my adoption agency and then everything started to fall into place for me. I have my story posted and have gotten nothing but AMAZING and SUPPORTIVE comments from those who have read my story. I am SO lucky.
I finally, 13 years since I found out I was pregnant, have someone who 'GETS ME' and all it took was me to look for my adoption agency and then everything started to fall into place for me. I have my story posted and have gotten nothing but AMAZING and SUPPORTIVE comments from those who have read my story. I am SO lucky.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Not being productive
Lately I have been surrounding myself with birth mom's and while its been a mostly positive experience I am starting to feel the negative. I won't say who or directly quote but people saying 'I want my kid back' or the woe is me complaints are really starting to rub me the wrong way.
Listen I get it you are sad but we are all trying to just survive and are going through something similar the last thing we need to be reminded is how you want your baby back. I am just annoyed by it. I think its selfish of you to ask me to 'feel bad for you' when most of the things you are upset about are things you brought upon yourself. Sorry to be mean here but its really rubbing me the wrong way.
Listen I get it you are sad but we are all trying to just survive and are going through something similar the last thing we need to be reminded is how you want your baby back. I am just annoyed by it. I think its selfish of you to ask me to 'feel bad for you' when most of the things you are upset about are things you brought upon yourself. Sorry to be mean here but its really rubbing me the wrong way.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Someone is in agreement.
If you know me you know I have been struggling HARD CORE with the fact that my adoption has gone from open to closed without warning. If I were intrusive or insisted on them doing more I would have understood. The issue is I was still only requesting pics and an update on his birthday.
So I was reading on a birthmothers blog that this girl was angry over her adoption closing on her. She stated that parents who close adoptions on the bmoms are selfish and should go to hell. While I agree that they are selfish for closing the adoption I DO NOT agree that they should go to hell. Its a little harsh, No? Yeah it hurts me and really makes my life hard it doesn't mean that they didn't do what THEY thought was right for THEM at the time, which yes makes them selfish.
So yeah I am hurt and upset but thats it. Hopefully my adoption agency will get somewhere with the parents and will be able to help me close that chapter and then I will hopefully be able to move on knowing whats going on.
So I was reading on a birthmothers blog that this girl was angry over her adoption closing on her. She stated that parents who close adoptions on the bmoms are selfish and should go to hell. While I agree that they are selfish for closing the adoption I DO NOT agree that they should go to hell. Its a little harsh, No? Yeah it hurts me and really makes my life hard it doesn't mean that they didn't do what THEY thought was right for THEM at the time, which yes makes them selfish.
So yeah I am hurt and upset but thats it. Hopefully my adoption agency will get somewhere with the parents and will be able to help me close that chapter and then I will hopefully be able to move on knowing whats going on.
Monday, July 11, 2011
And then there was day one
Another copy and paste from my main blog.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
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