Another copy and paste from my main blog.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
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