I posted this last night on my other blog.
Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.
Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!
I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.
To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.
Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.
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