I hate when people have an opinion on MY situation when it comes to MY adoption situation. Oh and most of the people who have opinions have GREAT relationships with their childs Aparents. GUESS WHAT? Your opinion is based on perfection in my eyes. You made a plan and both of you are sticking to it. I made a plan too and for some reason after 9 years of building relations and trust and love the plan shattered at my feet with NO warning and NO reason.
Do not pretend you understand or try and stand against MY situation when you don't know what I go through EVERY DAY! I love my sons parents for everything they have done and I would NEVER take back what I did. I will never bad mouth them for doing what they felt was right in fact I have said time and time again if they CAME TO ME and let me know they wanted to halt communication for a time I would have been upset but at least I would have known and I could have prepared myself for it.
Yes I am heart broken daily thinking about how much I would love to restore communication but again its MY situation. If you aren't living in my shoes you don't get a choice. So take a stand against something you know nothing about but be warned you are fighting a LOOSING battle.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Are the walls closing in?
I am so sad and stressed that this won't go my way. My heart is already so broken. My options in this are to be happy that I got what I got and return my walls into UP position when it comes to the adoption or I can at least have faith that I have done everything right and they will give me what I deserve being a rule following caring individual.
I love and miss my son everyday. Sadly this connection I have to him has dulled over time. I used to be able to feel him in my heart and now its faded to practically nothing. When I can't stand the pain of something I usually just shove it back into the back of my mind and let it be forgotten. This is something that may not be able to be forgotten but my emotions for it are so close to the surface that one little let down I am afraid will collapse me. I just need my hand held.......
I love and miss my son everyday. Sadly this connection I have to him has dulled over time. I used to be able to feel him in my heart and now its faded to practically nothing. When I can't stand the pain of something I usually just shove it back into the back of my mind and let it be forgotten. This is something that may not be able to be forgotten but my emotions for it are so close to the surface that one little let down I am afraid will collapse me. I just need my hand held.......
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Dreading each email
So its been MONTHS since anything. In fact today I am literally expecting a flat NO. I don't blame them but it hurts that they feel I cannot be trusted. Not that I have ever given them reason to not trust me they just apparently don't. I am heart broken. So I am marking this today, I have 5 years and just under 4 months until I can seek my son out and seek forgiveness. The worst I can do is nothing. If he questions my actions I will show him the things I have done to restart contact but I am certain doing those things will get me no where.
Why am I so matter of fact about it? Trying to not feel pain I guess.
Why am I so matter of fact about it? Trying to not feel pain I guess.
Monday, March 5, 2012
it happens
A girl on my fb posted a picture of her and her birth son. She ran into him and his parents at a store and got a few pictures. I am so glad that she gets the opportunity to live near them and that they are so willing to just stop and hang out and take pics. That is so great for all of them.
How else do I feel? Jealous. To be honest I never got that opportunity. I mean don't get me wrong when I knew we lived in the same state I would find myself on their side of town going to all sorts of places just for the "Oh you come here?" convo. Of course I was young and didn't think about the places I went too. Like music stores, malls and Ikea.
I think now looking back and thinking to when I go there now I have the same reaction when I go in. The thought 'Are they here? Its possible! I wonder if they would recognize me?' This goes through my mind each time. Its actually just ONE specific mall here. I won't say which one but that's what I have.....
How else do I feel? Jealous. To be honest I never got that opportunity. I mean don't get me wrong when I knew we lived in the same state I would find myself on their side of town going to all sorts of places just for the "Oh you come here?" convo. Of course I was young and didn't think about the places I went too. Like music stores, malls and Ikea.
I think now looking back and thinking to when I go there now I have the same reaction when I go in. The thought 'Are they here? Its possible! I wonder if they would recognize me?' This goes through my mind each time. Its actually just ONE specific mall here. I won't say which one but that's what I have.....
Sunday, January 15, 2012
It happens
So I keep telling myself NOT to get my hopes up. I know I could go the rest of my life never hearing from my son's parents or even him. The problem is the week before Christmas I got a little TINY bit of a glimmer of hope so now here I am getting let down.
No promises were made and none were expected, outwardly, but I always want to be apart of his life......
Is this wrong of me. I guess while seeing my fellow birth mom's talk about seeing their birth children over the holidays or planning on seeing them for their birthday's this year I think I get envious. I wish i still had the same relationship with his parents that I did when he was a baby.
Its heart breaking that they feel the need to not trust me. If I didn't love his parents I think this would hurt less. Maybe I need to find a way to become disconnected from him and them so when these things happen I can just 'not care' is this even possible? I mean for those who know me would it be as hard as I think for me to just remove myself from the situation and ignore the hurt and sadness and let these things just roll off of my back when they happen.
I mean I have to tell you its NOT EASY. I have tried but it sits here festering in my gut like under cooked chicken. It has to come out and if its anger, tears or eating somehow it manifests itself in a bad way.
No promises were made and none were expected, outwardly, but I always want to be apart of his life......
Is this wrong of me. I guess while seeing my fellow birth mom's talk about seeing their birth children over the holidays or planning on seeing them for their birthday's this year I think I get envious. I wish i still had the same relationship with his parents that I did when he was a baby.
Its heart breaking that they feel the need to not trust me. If I didn't love his parents I think this would hurt less. Maybe I need to find a way to become disconnected from him and them so when these things happen I can just 'not care' is this even possible? I mean for those who know me would it be as hard as I think for me to just remove myself from the situation and ignore the hurt and sadness and let these things just roll off of my back when they happen.
I mean I have to tell you its NOT EASY. I have tried but it sits here festering in my gut like under cooked chicken. It has to come out and if its anger, tears or eating somehow it manifests itself in a bad way.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Difference of Opinions
When it comes to adoption there is no ONE way about it. There are so many misguided people out there. I wish I could answer all the worlds questions in one blog and be done with but its not that easy. There are many area's of adoption. Each situation is different in its own way based on the birth mom, the adoption parents, the child, the agency and so many other things.
I have a child, her name is Jordan. I also have a son for whom I am the 'birth mother' for. When I talk about Jordan she is my daughter when I talk about my birth son he is my son.
It took tremendous strength for me to choose adoption for my son. Only a mother who can face the facts about their own life can make this heart wrenching decision for their child. At the time I got pregnant my life was circling the drain and I had NO motivation to try and fix it because I was still a teenager. I wasn't even out of high school and I just wanted to be a child. The problem with that is that even without my son to raise I was still forced to grow up.
Don't get me wrong I did my completely childish things. I moved to a new state, I made new friends I took on jobs I would never do. I drank enough right after I turned 21 for 30 people in a life time. I grew quickly bored with that lifestyle. The issue is that the lifestyle masked my issues with the adoption. I was never forced to really face my pain, then I got pregnant and found a new way to ignore the adoption. Until the last year I have been able to ignore all that sadness and pain. This year seems to have brought it all on me like waves crashing down uncontrollably. I wish I had more control of what I feel but after 11 years of 'forgetting' but since I shoved that down for so long its like 11 years of sadness, anger, and depression are coming out all at once.
I have a child, her name is Jordan. I also have a son for whom I am the 'birth mother' for. When I talk about Jordan she is my daughter when I talk about my birth son he is my son.
It took tremendous strength for me to choose adoption for my son. Only a mother who can face the facts about their own life can make this heart wrenching decision for their child. At the time I got pregnant my life was circling the drain and I had NO motivation to try and fix it because I was still a teenager. I wasn't even out of high school and I just wanted to be a child. The problem with that is that even without my son to raise I was still forced to grow up.
Don't get me wrong I did my completely childish things. I moved to a new state, I made new friends I took on jobs I would never do. I drank enough right after I turned 21 for 30 people in a life time. I grew quickly bored with that lifestyle. The issue is that the lifestyle masked my issues with the adoption. I was never forced to really face my pain, then I got pregnant and found a new way to ignore the adoption. Until the last year I have been able to ignore all that sadness and pain. This year seems to have brought it all on me like waves crashing down uncontrollably. I wish I had more control of what I feel but after 11 years of 'forgetting' but since I shoved that down for so long its like 11 years of sadness, anger, and depression are coming out all at once.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Be Realistic!
Here is a conversation from today. I deleted all the names but my own because I don't want to infringe on anyones personal life but I DID want to share the conversation. Please know what terms to use. If you aren't sure we are more than willing to educate you or let you know what we prefer.
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