Lows

I feel now like I hide the worst part of my lows from everyone. I hate when I see others having the relationship with their child and the parents that I used to have and still want. My heart breaks so much when I remember that it was cut. I think I hide these times because, well, I don't want my son to come back at am and accuse me of not being supportive or attacking his parents.

I mean I am in no way doing either of those things and I know it but it doesn't make my life any easier to do anything. I can throw fits and get no where, I can avoid them and get no where or I can do what I did and hope my adoption agency will continue to advocate for me and the parents will keep responding.

I wish I had more information like, if they told him about the adoption when planned or if they held out and why. If if they stuck to it and how he reacted. I would hope they would encourage him to ask questions about me and I would also hope they are telling him all the things I told them all that time ago when we were all close. Or that if he has any questions now that they would contact me and ask me.

My thoughts are just out of control. I KNOW watching Teen Mom brings it out in me, all the doubt and hurt and sadness and jealousy. Nothing I can do to change what his parents want but I miss him.