'16 and Pregnant'

I am into the show because I was once '17 and Pregnant' living in a life I hated, feeling smothered and like I was drowning at every second of everyday. If I would have been portrayed on the show I am sure things would have turned out differently and I may have been pressured to keep my child by my bf's parents even though I didn't want too. When his mom found out I was pregnant in her house, MONTHS after I gave birth might I add, her first words were we would have helped you KEEP the baby. HA yeah ok you think that and I am sure she does to this day.

So here is my perspective on this whole idea. I like the concept of the show. It doesn't hide anything it shows these girls trapped in lives because they are now with child. They have no freedom to act like teens because they went in the relationship with the attitude of 'It can't happen to me.' How do I know? That was my though process, NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN TO ME and if I let it go long enough maybe it will just go away and work itself out. I don't think these girls are uneducated on birth control most of them were on the pill or using contraception of some kind the issue is miss use  and lack of control with their thinking.

The issue that arises is that yes in the heat of the moment even you the adult reader don't always think about the last time you took the pill or if he is wearing the condom unless you have had at least one unplanned pregnancy. I haven't done any research to support my thoughts here but I am willing to bet that the reason the morning after pill became an over the counter drug is because insurance companies were getting sick of paying out for doctors visits for the script or having soon to be mom's explain the reason they are pregnant is because they didn't have time to make an appointment with their OB/GYN to get the script so it becomes a bigger cost to the insurance company because the mom ends up conceiving and adding a child to the medical plan.

If you are a teen reading this here is my opinion, it CAN, it WILL and it HAS happened to people you know! Be more then educated be an advocate for your future and be sure you are protected. If you are young, like under 23, ALWAYS use a condom with OR without the pill or whatever you are using IF you are using something. Not only does it help prevent pregnancy but it helps prevent STD's. You don't know where your partner has been and you don't know where they are going when you aren't around. Not saying that everyone is cheating what I am saying is that you don't know who ISN'T cheating. You also don't know if you will be with your partner for a week or 5 years so not using every form of protection you can is just risking too much.

If you have any questions visit www.itsyoursexlife.com BE EDUCATED!

The new

So I went through the proper channels and got an update about my son recently. I was ecstatic, excited, scared and worried all at once. Its been three years since I have heard anything and so when I got the letter I was wrought with all emotions at once. I wish things were different I really do but just getting this update made my whole week. I had only told a couple of people I would be hearing from his mom within the month so I wouldn't have to keep explaining to EVERYONE why nothing had come.

A little while ago I had to deal with some anger about my situation from someone outside of it. While I see the anger and frustration its just NOT WORTH IT. I can explain and honestly its pretty simple when I met his parents I knew INSTANTLY they were his parents. I knew we would be tied together for life the instant I saw them in person. When discussing things with them I felt like a part of their family, they just had a way of making you want to be a part of what they had created.

They made me promises about my childs life that just showed me I was making the right decision. They were talking about a life I had always wanted as a child for mine! I couldn't have been happier, or more jealous! LOL The thing about this situation is yes I am upset and yes I feel like I deserve an apology and a better explanation then 'We got busy' BUT they kept each and every promise they ever made to me. My child is happy, he is well rounded, he does things that keep him active and that challenge him and he takes the vacations I always wish I could. I can't say his family is a happy family now, I can't say that he loves where he is what I can say is I couldn't have made a better choice. With me life would have been horrible, for all of us. I hated his dad for what he had done to me, for the words that were said and the hatred that I felt.

I can't explain away what I did though. My child may never want to have a relationship with me and sadly I HAVE to accept that. I would never want to go back and change our situation though and all I can do is hope that he takes the high road and looks at what I went through and understands that I put his needs before my own and I did that for 9 months and for his whole life.

So thank you to his mom and dad. Thank you to his brother and whole family. I know I don't have to worry about him I know he is happy and healthy and growing at a faster rate of speed then we can keep up, we predicted when he was hours old that he was going to outgrow everyone! HAHAHA I only hope that you speak fondly of me and encourage positive discussions of me when I do come up. I love you all and hope that this letter is just the beginning of more to come. That you will trust me and know that I would NEVER compromise anything that came to you and I hold you close to my heart and prayers every day.

Your opinion is based on NOTHING

I hate when people have an opinion on MY situation when it comes to MY adoption situation. Oh and most of the people who have opinions have GREAT relationships with their childs Aparents. GUESS WHAT? Your opinion is based on perfection in my eyes. You made a plan and both of you are sticking to it. I made a plan too and for some reason after 9 years of building relations and trust and love the plan shattered at my feet with NO warning and NO reason.

Do not pretend you understand or try and stand against MY situation when you don't know what I go through EVERY DAY! I love my sons parents for everything they have done and I would NEVER take back what I did. I will never bad mouth them for doing what they felt was right in fact I have said time and time again if they CAME TO ME and let me know they wanted to halt communication for a time I would have been upset but at least I would have known and I could have prepared myself for it.

Yes I am heart broken daily thinking about how much I would love to restore communication but again its MY situation. If you aren't living in my shoes you don't get a choice. So take a stand against something you know nothing about but be warned you are fighting a LOOSING battle.

Are the walls closing in?

I am so sad and stressed that this won't go my way. My heart is already so broken. My options in this are to be happy that I got what I got and return my walls into UP position when it comes to the adoption or I can at least have faith that I have done everything right and they will give me what I deserve being a rule following caring individual.

I love and miss my son everyday. Sadly this connection I have to him has dulled over time. I used to be able to feel him in my heart and now its faded to practically nothing. When I can't stand the pain of something I usually just shove it back into the back of my mind and let it be forgotten. This is something that may not be able to be forgotten but my emotions for it are so close to the surface that one little let down I am afraid will collapse me. I just need my hand held.......

Dreading each email

So its been MONTHS since anything. In fact today I am literally expecting a flat NO. I don't blame them but it hurts that they feel I cannot be trusted. Not that I have ever given them reason to not trust me they just apparently don't. I am heart broken. So I am marking this today, I have 5 years and just under 4 months until I can seek my son out and seek forgiveness. The worst I can do is nothing. If he questions my actions I will show him the things I have done to restart contact but I am certain doing those things will get me no where.

Why am I so matter of fact about it? Trying to not feel pain I guess.

it happens

A girl on my fb posted a picture of her and her birth son. She ran into him and his parents at a store and got a few pictures. I am so glad that she gets the opportunity to live near them and that they are so willing to just stop and hang out and take pics. That is so great for all of them.

How else do I feel? Jealous. To be honest I never got that opportunity. I mean don't get me wrong when I knew we lived in the same state I would find myself on their side of town going to all sorts of places just for the "Oh you come here?" convo. Of course I was young and didn't think about the places I went too. Like music stores, malls and Ikea.

I think now looking back and thinking to when I go there now I have the same reaction when I go in. The thought 'Are they here? Its possible! I wonder if they would recognize me?' This goes through my mind each time. Its actually just ONE specific mall here. I won't say which one but that's what I have.....

It happens

So I keep telling myself NOT to get my hopes up. I know I could go the rest of my life never hearing from my son's parents or even him. The problem is the week before Christmas I got a little TINY bit of a glimmer of hope so now here I am getting let down.

No promises were made and none were expected, outwardly, but I always want to be apart of his life......

Is this wrong of me. I guess while seeing my fellow birth mom's talk about seeing their birth children over the holidays or planning on seeing them for their birthday's this year I think I get envious. I wish i still had the same relationship with his parents that I did when he was a baby.

Its heart breaking that they feel the need to not trust me. If I didn't love his parents I think this would hurt less. Maybe I need to find a way to become disconnected from him and them so when these things happen I can just 'not care' is this even possible? I mean for those who know me would it be as hard as I think for me to just remove myself from the situation and ignore the hurt and sadness and let these things just roll off of my back when they happen.

I mean I have to tell you its NOT EASY. I have tried but it sits here festering in my gut like under cooked chicken. It has to come out and if its anger, tears or eating somehow it manifests itself in a bad way.