So apparently every show I watch has an adoption plot line. What happens is I am extremely lenient with how adoption is portrayed. What happens is that there is the ONE show that breaks the line. The recent show has a young girl pregnant and she is talking about open adoption and her conversation with the other kid basically makes an attempt to insult those who have open adoptions.
She talks about how 'birth moms' show up for birthday's and Holidays. How they interrupt this kids life multiple times a year and upset the kid. Then just walk away. Then she tries to make it better by saying it doesn't mean its not right for others its just not right for her. You know don't walk around slinging mud and then try to fix it with a stupid one liner!
Annoyed.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The day
I signed my rights over on July 14th. There is a 72 hour hold in AZ where nothing can be done. I left the hospital the night I had you and let your mom and dad take over care immediately. They both had the hospital bracelets and came and got you the very next day when the doctor released you. We were all so very glad you were where you needed to be but I just wanted to be sure you were safe at all times so the hold was the worst 3 days of my life. I tried my best to stay calm but I was so worried about you in those two days you weren't in the hospital, what IF something went terribly wrong? I would have never forgiven myself.
First thing on that Wednesday morning I was at the agency awaiting paperwork. It was like the never ending story. I was so anxious to make sure your parents could become your parents that it never crossed my mind until it was over how I wasn't your mom anymore. I was so sad on the drive home. You were no longer mine.
I would tell your mom how I read stores about how mother and child are always connected by 'sound' that YOU would always remember my voice but that thought faded a few years ago. It really hurts that I am not in contact with you and your family like I had hoped and while 'Life goes on' it never gets any easier knowing you are older. I miss you everyday.
First thing on that Wednesday morning I was at the agency awaiting paperwork. It was like the never ending story. I was so anxious to make sure your parents could become your parents that it never crossed my mind until it was over how I wasn't your mom anymore. I was so sad on the drive home. You were no longer mine.
I would tell your mom how I read stores about how mother and child are always connected by 'sound' that YOU would always remember my voice but that thought faded a few years ago. It really hurts that I am not in contact with you and your family like I had hoped and while 'Life goes on' it never gets any easier knowing you are older. I miss you everyday.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Happy 13th Birthday
13 years ago today I was in a hospital alone. Contemplating my life and how I felt I had let not only myself down but you. You birth father couldn't even take the day off to comfort me when I was spiraling out of control. It was a Sunday. July 11th. A friend from school came and sat with me in the morning and held me while I cried, sadly her and I went our separate ways less then a year later. Between her leaving and your mom and dad finally being contacted and calling me to let me know they were on their way I had tons of time.
I knew how scared they were. The harsh realities were I could change my mind at any second and to be honest while we had made the connection I had the same worry, that they would change their mind. That they would see me with you and back out. Its not an easy task deciding to had over the miracle of life I had gotten so accustomed to feeling inside me for over 9 months. You were what made me feel somewhat human while I had NO CLUE what I was doing with my life.
I wish I could sit here and say I had plans of going to college and that was my reasoning because to be honest college wouldn't have led me to adoption. If that was my mind set I would have fought to keep you and still left your birth dad. Adoption set in because I had NO CLUE what I wanted out of life. I was 18 and alone. I had no goals and ambitions and really nothing to call my own, so how was I going to raise a child out of that? My family and I were on the outs and again the elusive birth dad's family couldn't be bothered with me. If he didn't do so much for them I would have been on the street WAY before I left him.
I never truly forgave myself for the adoption. It reminds me of this Episode of 'Friends' where Joey tells Pheobe that there is no true Selfless act that 'All selfless acts are selfish' that doing anything for anyone ends up being selfish. In the end everyone ends up a lot happy and a little bit sad. Do I wish I could have raised you? TOTALLY! Do I wish I could have waited to have you? Of course! Would I do any of it differently? NO FRIGGIN' WAY! You are the best version of you because 4 people loved you so much that they did everything in their power the second they met you to make sure your life was amazing.
So I end today in saying I love you so much. I hope one day you have a chance to sit down and read my blogs so you can see how much you mean to me. I saw pictures of you a couple of months ago and you look so much like your dad and you look so happy and healthy and BIG! (Kid is nearly 6 feet tall!!!) I hope you feel me in your heart today because for the first time in a few years I actually feel you. I miss you.
I knew how scared they were. The harsh realities were I could change my mind at any second and to be honest while we had made the connection I had the same worry, that they would change their mind. That they would see me with you and back out. Its not an easy task deciding to had over the miracle of life I had gotten so accustomed to feeling inside me for over 9 months. You were what made me feel somewhat human while I had NO CLUE what I was doing with my life.
I wish I could sit here and say I had plans of going to college and that was my reasoning because to be honest college wouldn't have led me to adoption. If that was my mind set I would have fought to keep you and still left your birth dad. Adoption set in because I had NO CLUE what I wanted out of life. I was 18 and alone. I had no goals and ambitions and really nothing to call my own, so how was I going to raise a child out of that? My family and I were on the outs and again the elusive birth dad's family couldn't be bothered with me. If he didn't do so much for them I would have been on the street WAY before I left him.
I never truly forgave myself for the adoption. It reminds me of this Episode of 'Friends' where Joey tells Pheobe that there is no true Selfless act that 'All selfless acts are selfish' that doing anything for anyone ends up being selfish. In the end everyone ends up a lot happy and a little bit sad. Do I wish I could have raised you? TOTALLY! Do I wish I could have waited to have you? Of course! Would I do any of it differently? NO FRIGGIN' WAY! You are the best version of you because 4 people loved you so much that they did everything in their power the second they met you to make sure your life was amazing.
So I end today in saying I love you so much. I hope one day you have a chance to sit down and read my blogs so you can see how much you mean to me. I saw pictures of you a couple of months ago and you look so much like your dad and you look so happy and healthy and BIG! (Kid is nearly 6 feet tall!!!) I hope you feel me in your heart today because for the first time in a few years I actually feel you. I miss you.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Moody
With the impending birthday 4 days away I have been more moody then usual. So its why I have not been blogging. Today I made him a beautiful Chocolate Mint Ice Cream Cake while cleaning my home in preparation for the small gathering I am having here tomorrow with a few friends.
As I sit here I am thinking of how NOTHING goes as planned and while I enjoy making plans and when they work I throw a mini party I am ready for the unexpected.
His due date was yesterday 13 years ago. He didn't come because he knew I had 3 more days of school and a graduation to attend. He was the most patient baby and while he got the hiccups OFTEN, as did his little sister, he was never a bother. I mean the throwing up nightly was a bother but in 9 months I just learned to live with it. It was just another thing that tied me to him. I was keeping him safe for his mom and dad and while I currently don't think they appreciated me as much as I had hoped I am sure they treat him like the most precious jewel in the world.
As I sit here I am thinking of how NOTHING goes as planned and while I enjoy making plans and when they work I throw a mini party I am ready for the unexpected.
His due date was yesterday 13 years ago. He didn't come because he knew I had 3 more days of school and a graduation to attend. He was the most patient baby and while he got the hiccups OFTEN, as did his little sister, he was never a bother. I mean the throwing up nightly was a bother but in 9 months I just learned to live with it. It was just another thing that tied me to him. I was keeping him safe for his mom and dad and while I currently don't think they appreciated me as much as I had hoped I am sure they treat him like the most precious jewel in the world.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
8 days away
His birthday is 8 days away and I have been having dreams about him. It makes me wake up sad. I can't think straight currently about it. I have a bad feeling so instead of feel it I am going to wait until next week to feel it. I need to survive this sadness for 5 more days.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Lows
I feel now like I hide the worst part of my lows from everyone. I hate when I see others having the relationship with their child and the parents that I used to have and still want. My heart breaks so much when I remember that it was cut. I think I hide these times because, well, I don't want my son to come back at am and accuse me of not being supportive or attacking his parents.
I mean I am in no way doing either of those things and I know it but it doesn't make my life any easier to do anything. I can throw fits and get no where, I can avoid them and get no where or I can do what I did and hope my adoption agency will continue to advocate for me and the parents will keep responding.
I wish I had more information like, if they told him about the adoption when planned or if they held out and why. If if they stuck to it and how he reacted. I would hope they would encourage him to ask questions about me and I would also hope they are telling him all the things I told them all that time ago when we were all close. Or that if he has any questions now that they would contact me and ask me.
My thoughts are just out of control. I KNOW watching Teen Mom brings it out in me, all the doubt and hurt and sadness and jealousy. Nothing I can do to change what his parents want but I miss him.
I mean I am in no way doing either of those things and I know it but it doesn't make my life any easier to do anything. I can throw fits and get no where, I can avoid them and get no where or I can do what I did and hope my adoption agency will continue to advocate for me and the parents will keep responding.
I wish I had more information like, if they told him about the adoption when planned or if they held out and why. If if they stuck to it and how he reacted. I would hope they would encourage him to ask questions about me and I would also hope they are telling him all the things I told them all that time ago when we were all close. Or that if he has any questions now that they would contact me and ask me.
My thoughts are just out of control. I KNOW watching Teen Mom brings it out in me, all the doubt and hurt and sadness and jealousy. Nothing I can do to change what his parents want but I miss him.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Just over a month
I am 33 days from an epic day in my sons life. He is going to be 13. There are things that surround the day of this birth like the missed Due Date, my high school graduation, and then the relinquishment. All those things come within a week of the other.
I am starting to notice things about myself. When I go to the store when I find something cute its like I immediately realize I can't have it by stating it would look better on X person and then I send them a photo of it to prove myself right. It could be cost or size or color but something in me snaps and I realize I just can't do it.
Somehow that just suddenly reminded me of my adoption process. I looked at this child I just gave birth too like he was never mine to begin with. When I saw his mom holding him it just sealed the deal for me. While his DNA is one half me his life wasn't mine to witness first hand. It was my duty to give him life and my duty to protect him and give him everything. I did that in picking his parents. They are the perfect people for him.
When I met the mom I can nearly remember the fear in her eyes. I can't remember much about what we talked about, this was more then 13 years ago now, but I remember the fear and the hurt. His dad had a wall a HUGE wall up, which I promise you is STILL UP, but she was vulnerable. She was asking without saying a word for me to help her. I love them both, anger or not, and am embracing life and not anger.
I am starting to notice things about myself. When I go to the store when I find something cute its like I immediately realize I can't have it by stating it would look better on X person and then I send them a photo of it to prove myself right. It could be cost or size or color but something in me snaps and I realize I just can't do it.
Somehow that just suddenly reminded me of my adoption process. I looked at this child I just gave birth too like he was never mine to begin with. When I saw his mom holding him it just sealed the deal for me. While his DNA is one half me his life wasn't mine to witness first hand. It was my duty to give him life and my duty to protect him and give him everything. I did that in picking his parents. They are the perfect people for him.
When I met the mom I can nearly remember the fear in her eyes. I can't remember much about what we talked about, this was more then 13 years ago now, but I remember the fear and the hurt. His dad had a wall a HUGE wall up, which I promise you is STILL UP, but she was vulnerable. She was asking without saying a word for me to help her. I love them both, anger or not, and am embracing life and not anger.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)