I am going to try and NOT be all woe is me this month. Yeah I am going through something so difficult but that negative energy I am feeding myself really isn't worth it. I am thankful to finally have someone to lean on, ie all the new birth moms who have become my instant friends over the last month or so. I look forward to our weekly online chats and having banter on facebook with them.
I finally, 13 years since I found out I was pregnant, have someone who 'GETS ME' and all it took was me to look for my adoption agency and then everything started to fall into place for me. I have my story posted and have gotten nothing but AMAZING and SUPPORTIVE comments from those who have read my story. I am SO lucky.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Not being productive
Lately I have been surrounding myself with birth mom's and while its been a mostly positive experience I am starting to feel the negative. I won't say who or directly quote but people saying 'I want my kid back' or the woe is me complaints are really starting to rub me the wrong way.
Listen I get it you are sad but we are all trying to just survive and are going through something similar the last thing we need to be reminded is how you want your baby back. I am just annoyed by it. I think its selfish of you to ask me to 'feel bad for you' when most of the things you are upset about are things you brought upon yourself. Sorry to be mean here but its really rubbing me the wrong way.
Listen I get it you are sad but we are all trying to just survive and are going through something similar the last thing we need to be reminded is how you want your baby back. I am just annoyed by it. I think its selfish of you to ask me to 'feel bad for you' when most of the things you are upset about are things you brought upon yourself. Sorry to be mean here but its really rubbing me the wrong way.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Someone is in agreement.
If you know me you know I have been struggling HARD CORE with the fact that my adoption has gone from open to closed without warning. If I were intrusive or insisted on them doing more I would have understood. The issue is I was still only requesting pics and an update on his birthday.
So I was reading on a birthmothers blog that this girl was angry over her adoption closing on her. She stated that parents who close adoptions on the bmoms are selfish and should go to hell. While I agree that they are selfish for closing the adoption I DO NOT agree that they should go to hell. Its a little harsh, No? Yeah it hurts me and really makes my life hard it doesn't mean that they didn't do what THEY thought was right for THEM at the time, which yes makes them selfish.
So yeah I am hurt and upset but thats it. Hopefully my adoption agency will get somewhere with the parents and will be able to help me close that chapter and then I will hopefully be able to move on knowing whats going on.
So I was reading on a birthmothers blog that this girl was angry over her adoption closing on her. She stated that parents who close adoptions on the bmoms are selfish and should go to hell. While I agree that they are selfish for closing the adoption I DO NOT agree that they should go to hell. Its a little harsh, No? Yeah it hurts me and really makes my life hard it doesn't mean that they didn't do what THEY thought was right for THEM at the time, which yes makes them selfish.
So yeah I am hurt and upset but thats it. Hopefully my adoption agency will get somewhere with the parents and will be able to help me close that chapter and then I will hopefully be able to move on knowing whats going on.
Monday, July 11, 2011
And then there was day one
Another copy and paste from my main blog.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
A little piece of my heart
I posted this last night on my other blog.
Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.
Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!
I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.
To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.
Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.
Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.
Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!
I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.
To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.
Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I wanted to talk
I am a BIG fan of 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom. I watch the show every week and am sadly fascinated by the way it plays out. If mine would have been televised I will tell you this my adoption plan wouldn't have changed. I would have told everyone, I think, but adoption was the main goal in my heart and I knew the second I met his parents that they were his parents.
When I look back I don't regret it. I mean I wish I could have trusted his family to not treat me poorly and then maybe I would have shared with them but I hid it for a year (from conception) before I used it to hurt them. So yeah looking back maybe I could have been smarter about that but its not my job as an 18 year old to protect them. Not that they were the worst people to live with but for years after I moved away from them I went through stages of depression, anger and frustration. I have blocked out periods of my life between the ages of 18 and 21 because I was either black out drunk or maybe I am afraid of how I will react to it so I have forgotten it.
If my ex were to ever read this I mean I would apologize for all the sadness I caused him but I don't take any of it back. I needed help and he wasn't helping me. I needed space and he smothered me. I needed someone to see ME and all he saw was who I was and not who I was becoming. I was screaming for help in a million different ways and no matter what I did he just pushed me in the wrong ways. Like if I cried he bought me gifts, if we fought we went out for dinner so we couldn't fight and if I was sick of him he took me to work with him. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird.
So with my son's 12th birthday on July 11th each passing day is getting harder for me. I am still not in contact with his parents and have been tempted to write letters to all their known addresses to see if I can get anywhere.....Breathing sucks, sleeping sucks, even day dreaming during this time HURTS. I know his parents think what they are doing is good for him but its ruining me why not at least give me small updates? tell me WHY you aren't talking to me. UNBREAK MY HEART! We are going to Utah the weekend before his birthday and I know I will cry all weekend. We are going to Provo to my family's plots and the last time I was there was when my grandpa died and I was pregnant with Jordan who is nearly 8. My mom asked for pictures of my older brothers headstone (or whatever its called) and I will spend time with each family member buried there. I just am hoping this trip isn't smashed because I am so sad over the whole communication and having no one to talk about it with.......
Kristen I would really love to have lunch with you soon :(
When I look back I don't regret it. I mean I wish I could have trusted his family to not treat me poorly and then maybe I would have shared with them but I hid it for a year (from conception) before I used it to hurt them. So yeah looking back maybe I could have been smarter about that but its not my job as an 18 year old to protect them. Not that they were the worst people to live with but for years after I moved away from them I went through stages of depression, anger and frustration. I have blocked out periods of my life between the ages of 18 and 21 because I was either black out drunk or maybe I am afraid of how I will react to it so I have forgotten it.
If my ex were to ever read this I mean I would apologize for all the sadness I caused him but I don't take any of it back. I needed help and he wasn't helping me. I needed space and he smothered me. I needed someone to see ME and all he saw was who I was and not who I was becoming. I was screaming for help in a million different ways and no matter what I did he just pushed me in the wrong ways. Like if I cried he bought me gifts, if we fought we went out for dinner so we couldn't fight and if I was sick of him he took me to work with him. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird.
So with my son's 12th birthday on July 11th each passing day is getting harder for me. I am still not in contact with his parents and have been tempted to write letters to all their known addresses to see if I can get anywhere.....Breathing sucks, sleeping sucks, even day dreaming during this time HURTS. I know his parents think what they are doing is good for him but its ruining me why not at least give me small updates? tell me WHY you aren't talking to me. UNBREAK MY HEART! We are going to Utah the weekend before his birthday and I know I will cry all weekend. We are going to Provo to my family's plots and the last time I was there was when my grandpa died and I was pregnant with Jordan who is nearly 8. My mom asked for pictures of my older brothers headstone (or whatever its called) and I will spend time with each family member buried there. I just am hoping this trip isn't smashed because I am so sad over the whole communication and having no one to talk about it with.......
Kristen I would really love to have lunch with you soon :(
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