Back and at it

So any who. I kept at my after school activities and was still friends with most people from earlier years in High School but I felt SO disconnected. I hated to feel like I would be judged so I hid my pregnancy. There were a few token people who knew including a few teachers who to this day I appreciate their patience with me. As I turned 18 I started to visit the doctor alone and found an adoption agency. Before its asked of my, YES the dad was 100% involved with the situation. He signed the papers right there along with me. Yet some how at 7 months NO ONE knew! I still am shocked I was able to pull off that EPIC secret for so long.

Then came the class of 99 graduation. Since I was in the band it was mandatory to attend the ceremony as it was like your final grade. I don't remember the whole thing but I know me and our director got into it and there was alot of arguing about me attending I tried for most of our fight to not use the baby card but it eventually came out and how sad I would be at watching all of my friends walk the stage without me. Having to be asked why I was not walking would have been also very embarrassing so we found another way for me to do a 'final test' I wish I could remember but I know he respected me in the end for not starting with something he knew I knew would give me the win.

At this time we were interviewing perspective adoptive parents. I cannot express how difficult this process was. We got sent home with many folders of families. I don't remember the EXACT amount of time it took but we narrowed it down to two families. At the time we just wanted a stay at home mommy and a family who took vacations often. I know it sounds silly but age and background and religion meant NOTHING to us. The first family we met I cannot explain them completely. They both worked for an airline, were 'older', and had a son. I cannot remember if it was 'their' birth son but he was brought with them. The meeting with them was hectic and HARD. I couldn't for the life of me connect with the family at all. Our hearts were not meant to be connected. I knew it. I was afraid to meet the second family. It SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!

What if we don't get along? What if we have to start over? What if we run out of time and the baby is left childless? I literally stressed. Then I met them. I want to say music played and everyone was quiet but actually the opposite happened. We were there in the waiting room when they showed up.I recognized them and introduced myself. We were informed our counselor was in a meeting with a bio mom who changed her mind. All the sudden I was crushed. I mean it NEVER crossed my mind that, that could happen. (I mean I guess if I picked the wrong people maybe I would have backed out I guess its just one of those things I thank GOD I will never know the answer too) After a few minutes of talking we were escorted to a private room. They were getting complaints that we were being too loud. Even in the private room we were getting complaints. So yes the second I met the mom I knew. Our hearts were connected before we even met. It sounds weird but I felt a connection to her that no one else can have with me. They were very sweet and understanding of our situation. I knew RIGHT AWAY that they were perfect, she was my babies mom and he was the dad. So like I said it never crossed my mind to raise the baby on my own I was never the babies 'parent' NEVER!

Then came summer school. It was awesome. I was eating like 20 times a day and our summer school teacher was awesome. I ended up finding comfort in someone I was only acquainted with through high school. Her name was also Kristen and we spent a good time of summer school together. At this time my relationship with my bf and his family was majorly strained. I wasn't sleeping at night, so it was waking everyone up, I wanted to sleep all day which meant everyone in the house needed to be quiet and I refused to close our bedroom window because they smoked and I couldn't stand it. I should add that other than him and myself no one knew I was pregnant. I remember my graduation. I was asked to perform a song with another person which I refused. I sat next to Kristen and I think at some point we were holding hands for support. It was July 9th. I was two days past my due date. I was SHOCKED I was still pregnant.

I will write more maybe tomorrow. I am not feeling well and before I knew it this was SUPER long. I will start with the weekend before I had the baby since July 9th was a Thursday.