Thursday, January 13, 2011

Saturday July 10th and Sunday July 11th

So like I said no one knew that I was pregnant in the house I was living in. (Can I just ignore that ONE person at the normal HS graduation was telling everyone why I wasn't there and was giving the real reason so I had come clean to more people then I had bargained for and my summer was kind of complicated.) So on Saturday it was a normal day and thats just how I lived it. My bf painted for a living and so him and I went to paint a home that he was working on. I was tired most of the day and to be honest I think I fell asleep in the car while he finished up but we didn't get home until after midnight maybe even closer to 1:00am. We both layed down and initially it was wonderful.

Then I started to get uncomfortable which as I have said wasn't weird to me. So I got up to get a drink and almost immediately I threw up. I tried again and same thing happened. I was mad! I cannot be sick right now! Days before talking about being induced. So I called the over night Triage at around 1:30am on the 11th. We went through my symptoms and she was shocked that none of them included pain. She insisted because I was already past my due date that I should go to the hospital that there was a large chance I was in labor.

So I woke my bf up and he grabbed garbage bags and put them on the passenger seat (to this day that pisses me off) and we drove the 20 minutes to the hospital I wanted to deliver at. When we got there I got triaged and told yes I was in labor. Now mind you this was around 2:30-3:00 the doctor was immediately paged and I was checked and then rushed to a private delivery room. I started to beg them to call the emergency number for the adoption agency, I wanted the parents there. I was so worried they would miss it that I started to hyperventilate. The doctor came in around 3:15-ish and broke my water, gave me some 'numbing meds' and we started pushing.

I was in tears. We didn't have a camera and had yet to hear from the adoption agency but it seemed the more angry I got the better of a pusher I became. The baby was born at 4:11 am July 11th (I think the time is right I might be a minute off). Honestly it was crazy. I don't remember much. Because it was an adoption they wouldn't let me hold him right away which I guess at the time I was ok with but who gives them the right to decide for me? I am certain it wouldn't have made a difference with me there were no papers legally signed so they had no legal right to do it but I mean I guess it was all for the best. The rushed me out and I went right to sleep as my bf went home to sleep and then to work (yes I was at the hospital all day without him). I myself started to page the adoption agency.

I spent most of the morning in and out of consciousness so upset that the parents missed the birth. When I did finally get a hold of someone she said she had called the Labor and Delivery area but they didn't know who I was (of course they were paged at like 2:30 and I think she waited until after 6 to call which eventually lead to her resigning from her position). So she contacted the parents (who were on their way to a Diamondbacks game) and they rushed up north. Yes I did spend the day with the baby. Once I felt like I got sleep I had them bring him in. I did not let them put the id bracelets on me or my bf I just held on to them so when his mom and dad got there they could have them. They finally arrived at a little after 1pm with the dad's parents. The mom was very concerned for me because I was in tears but I assured her I was ok and ready to sign the papers so they could apply for the birth certificate and make the baby theirs.

I immediately  started to insist they let me go home. I didn't want to spend anytime in the hospital that wasn't necessary and all I wanted was to sleep in my own bed for the night. I will say that I felt connected with the mom. She was so nurturing towards me that night and it was what I needed. I kissed my baby good bye and I promised him it wasn't the last time we would meet. I told him his life was going to be full of love and hope and security and that his mommy and daddy loved him so so much that they waited so long to get him and prayed for a mommy like me to carry him for them. I told him that I never felt anything but love for him and it was why I needed to make the choice to give him to responsible parents who would be capable of giving him things I couldn't even give myself. I had a picture up until a few years ago of the two of us that helped me get through. I don't even know if anyone knew I had it. My friend at the time took it for me and had it developed and brought it to me before I left the hospital. I left looking at it. I think for about a year I slept with this picture in my hands. It was the ONLY reason at the time I was able to walk away.  It did end up just crumbling in my hands though. I wish I could remember how the picture looked. You would think since I studied it intently for so long that I could sketch it but I can barely remember it.

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