72 hours

So per Arizona State law you cannot sign the paper work for legal adoption until 72 hours after the birth. My day in the hospital was day one. I made my appointment Wednesday morning at 8:00 am. I think I was almost scared I would change my mind because of what I had witnessed before so I just wanted to assure his parents I wasn't going to go back on 'our deal' you know. When I left I had their address and contact information so I was able to call them.

I went home thinking YAY BED! What I realized was until I knew he was safe, I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep. Don't get me wrong I left him in the capable hands of the hospital nursery and I was 100% sure at 8am when visiting hours were back the mom and dad would be there to get him. She called me when they got home and talked to me. That call was the ticket into my 24 hours of sleep.

I wasn't depressed. No. I was exhausted. I hadn't really slept in 3 days and so that was my catch up. I ate no food and took no bathroom breaks. All I did from Monday afternoon to Tuesday around 3pm was sleep. My bf and I, I think, went to dinner together. I know he had hopes of calming me down because I was so anxious for the 72 hours to be over. I worried that some how he would get left in the wind and forgotten and then some tragedy would befall his parents and he would have nothing. He would be alone in this world and I did that to him. So I had many nightmares that night and got up around 4 to take a bath and do my hair and make up and pick out the perfect outfit just to sign my baby over to his parents.

I walked into the room and I am sure they all thought I was nuts, I looked like someone ready for a night on the town first thing in the morning but I think it made me feel like I was able to control SOMETHING. I had control of how I looked and I had control of giving those parents hope so I was taking the rains of the things I could and I held on for as long as I could. I had a meeting with my counselor and we talked about the birth and what I had named the baby. Oh I didn't name him. Which seemed to initially shock the lady. When I explained to her that he will always be what his parents name him to me she nodded and told me I was acting very ready. He was NEVER mine to name. I told the parents this during our first meeting. He isn't "mine" he was theirs I felt me naming him would place some sort of possession in me and I thought it would just complicate things so I just didn't. He will remain baby boy to me.

So we had the supervisor come in and we all signed the papers. There were pictures taken and I think coffee and cookies but then I went home. I got on with it. Some things that happened in THIS blog post came back to me very recently. I have a best friend whom I love very much. I will not say her name but she was adopted. She was raised by a wonderful woman and had a great childhood. She said when she met her birth mom all of her 'siblings' referred to her as a totally different name, this is what they named me she said. She said it was confusing and really bothersome even now it bothers her. I felt good that she agreed with my decision, though yes I am realistic that my situation might turn out 100% different but I have hope that he will appreciate something I have done if not everything......(a girl can hope)