I struggle alot lately. I feel alone like I have no one to talk too. Fact of the matter is things never go as planned and I was left standing in the wreckage asking why. I had excellent communication with the mom up until nearly 3 years ago. He turned 9 I got my 'yearly' photos and then I was told they were moving back to Ill. I was ok with it, since they had been between the two cities since he was born it was just something I was accustomed too. The dad went where there was good work I understood that. A year went by I never gave it a second thought. Then his 10th birthday rolled around, this was the age the parents decided to tell him about his adoption (if he hadn't figured it out already), so I waited patiently for an email which never came.
A month after his 10th birthday I composed an email and sent it out thinking well maybe the forgot. Yeah that wasn't the issue, when they moved they changed their email address, which was NOT new practice for them they did it every time, and I wasn't kept in the loop. I just broke into tears. I had NO WAY to contact them and I all the sudden felt like a burden. I spent the next year rationalizing (the other mommy to the oldest son was WAYYY clingy when they lived here which was what prompted their first move to the Northwest he turned 10 two years before my son, I think) so I figured she was being intrusive again and they decided it would be best to continue up there. I contacted the adoption agency to update my info, yeah TO THIS DAY AFTER I DON'T KNOW THIRTY CALLS, no one has returned one.
I don't have friends in my situation, its not like I can hop a flight to confront them, I was lost. Then last year I tried emailing the dad on FB around his 11th birthday he never responded. Then a couple of months ago I realized the mom had a fb so I sent a similar email to her just pointing out the 'mix up' and asking for new pics and an update on the last two years and still nothing. Last year on his birthday I sat and cried, actually as I currently am, those updates kept me sane. My bf cooked me steaks and bought me chocolates and pampered me (luckily and sadly all at once my step daughter's mom has the same birthday so she is usually with her mom and not on my case and making my emotions worse) I had a friend come over, though I pleaded with MANY to distract me none were interested, her and I watched Dave Matthews Band DVD's and I think A Night At The Roxbury I was still sad but it felt good that I could lean on someone. Of course her and I are no longer friends for whatever reason so there is that. I just have nothing to look forward too with that anymore and it makes me sad everyday. Today has been the hardest yet. I don't even know why, nothing about today is significant when it comes to him at least in my memory so why today? Each time I sit at the computer to type about him I cry, I have about 30 unpublished blogs just rambling about nothing that don't even pertain to him because I can't write about him when I am so mixed up about the whole thing....
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