Another copy and paste from my main blog.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
Monday, July 11, 2011
A little piece of my heart
I posted this last night on my other blog.
Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.
Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!
I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.
To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.
Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.
Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.
Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!
I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.
To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.
Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I wanted to talk
I am a BIG fan of 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom. I watch the show every week and am sadly fascinated by the way it plays out. If mine would have been televised I will tell you this my adoption plan wouldn't have changed. I would have told everyone, I think, but adoption was the main goal in my heart and I knew the second I met his parents that they were his parents.
When I look back I don't regret it. I mean I wish I could have trusted his family to not treat me poorly and then maybe I would have shared with them but I hid it for a year (from conception) before I used it to hurt them. So yeah looking back maybe I could have been smarter about that but its not my job as an 18 year old to protect them. Not that they were the worst people to live with but for years after I moved away from them I went through stages of depression, anger and frustration. I have blocked out periods of my life between the ages of 18 and 21 because I was either black out drunk or maybe I am afraid of how I will react to it so I have forgotten it.
If my ex were to ever read this I mean I would apologize for all the sadness I caused him but I don't take any of it back. I needed help and he wasn't helping me. I needed space and he smothered me. I needed someone to see ME and all he saw was who I was and not who I was becoming. I was screaming for help in a million different ways and no matter what I did he just pushed me in the wrong ways. Like if I cried he bought me gifts, if we fought we went out for dinner so we couldn't fight and if I was sick of him he took me to work with him. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird.
So with my son's 12th birthday on July 11th each passing day is getting harder for me. I am still not in contact with his parents and have been tempted to write letters to all their known addresses to see if I can get anywhere.....Breathing sucks, sleeping sucks, even day dreaming during this time HURTS. I know his parents think what they are doing is good for him but its ruining me why not at least give me small updates? tell me WHY you aren't talking to me. UNBREAK MY HEART! We are going to Utah the weekend before his birthday and I know I will cry all weekend. We are going to Provo to my family's plots and the last time I was there was when my grandpa died and I was pregnant with Jordan who is nearly 8. My mom asked for pictures of my older brothers headstone (or whatever its called) and I will spend time with each family member buried there. I just am hoping this trip isn't smashed because I am so sad over the whole communication and having no one to talk about it with.......
Kristen I would really love to have lunch with you soon :(
When I look back I don't regret it. I mean I wish I could have trusted his family to not treat me poorly and then maybe I would have shared with them but I hid it for a year (from conception) before I used it to hurt them. So yeah looking back maybe I could have been smarter about that but its not my job as an 18 year old to protect them. Not that they were the worst people to live with but for years after I moved away from them I went through stages of depression, anger and frustration. I have blocked out periods of my life between the ages of 18 and 21 because I was either black out drunk or maybe I am afraid of how I will react to it so I have forgotten it.
If my ex were to ever read this I mean I would apologize for all the sadness I caused him but I don't take any of it back. I needed help and he wasn't helping me. I needed space and he smothered me. I needed someone to see ME and all he saw was who I was and not who I was becoming. I was screaming for help in a million different ways and no matter what I did he just pushed me in the wrong ways. Like if I cried he bought me gifts, if we fought we went out for dinner so we couldn't fight and if I was sick of him he took me to work with him. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird.
So with my son's 12th birthday on July 11th each passing day is getting harder for me. I am still not in contact with his parents and have been tempted to write letters to all their known addresses to see if I can get anywhere.....Breathing sucks, sleeping sucks, even day dreaming during this time HURTS. I know his parents think what they are doing is good for him but its ruining me why not at least give me small updates? tell me WHY you aren't talking to me. UNBREAK MY HEART! We are going to Utah the weekend before his birthday and I know I will cry all weekend. We are going to Provo to my family's plots and the last time I was there was when my grandpa died and I was pregnant with Jordan who is nearly 8. My mom asked for pictures of my older brothers headstone (or whatever its called) and I will spend time with each family member buried there. I just am hoping this trip isn't smashed because I am so sad over the whole communication and having no one to talk about it with.......
Kristen I would really love to have lunch with you soon :(
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Ruin is a reason to rebuild
I, currently, watched 'Eat, Pray, Love' and while she was emailing David she said that. It reminded me of numerous times in my life when I felt the need to 'Start over.' The first time was the adoption. I rid myself of all negative energy, my bf, my friends, my life. I moved into a new house and I was in a constant moving pattern. I knowingly got involved with a guy I shouldn't have, at the same time I was becoming a pen pal with an Army guy. I just refused to let anything keep me planted. I gave my own child up for adoption so I needed to prove to myself that I had reason. I flew to PA, Albany, NY, I took a bus practically to Canada, I traveled to Seattle.
I did things I wouldn't have done without the push. Of course I only did them in a 3 year time span. By the time I moved to Denver my life was OUT OF CONTROL. I was acting like a fool. I thought I would move to Denver and my life would be magically fixed. I thought ok so I am 21, I will get a job, a place to live, and build lifetime relationships. I was WAY off. My life just seemed to spin further off the charts and before I knew it I was breaking it off with a guy and finding out I was pregnant, again.
That was my bottom, I hit it hard but it was my ruin. I kept thinking I had hit it earlier in my life but I was wrong by 21 my life had hit rock bottom and I was ready to start over. Doesn't mean I magically fixed my life, but I took steps to take control again. So here I am 8 years after I started to take control and the rebuilding is looking good. The people in my life are solid foundations and my kids are my future :)
I did things I wouldn't have done without the push. Of course I only did them in a 3 year time span. By the time I moved to Denver my life was OUT OF CONTROL. I was acting like a fool. I thought I would move to Denver and my life would be magically fixed. I thought ok so I am 21, I will get a job, a place to live, and build lifetime relationships. I was WAY off. My life just seemed to spin further off the charts and before I knew it I was breaking it off with a guy and finding out I was pregnant, again.
That was my bottom, I hit it hard but it was my ruin. I kept thinking I had hit it earlier in my life but I was wrong by 21 my life had hit rock bottom and I was ready to start over. Doesn't mean I magically fixed my life, but I took steps to take control again. So here I am 8 years after I started to take control and the rebuilding is looking good. The people in my life are solid foundations and my kids are my future :)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Is there regret?
I get asked OFTEN about any regrets I have about the adoption. I don't have any I want to make that 100% clear. In watching some old shows on netflix lately I ran across an old episode of Brothers and Sisters where Kitty and Robert are meeting with a potential bio mom and she is 100% sure of her decision but Kitty is not sold and so she pushes the mom to think about changing her mind and in the end she decides not to go with Kitty and Robert.
When I was making my adoption plan they suggest you think about the 'what if's' assuming if you think about it before hand you will be less likely to change your mind in the end and saving a bunch of people heartache. The thing is I thought about raising the kid on my own daily while I was expecting. Its something you go through every SECOND. Internally I fought with myself, I was born to be a mommy I could emotionally do it. My heart though knew I wouldn't be in it 100% I could talk myself into doing it but I would make many people crash and burn.
This is where I think I became the most rational person I know. I can't help it anymore, when situations get presented to me I am already thinking about today, tomorrow and 5 years from now. Plus all the people around me and if it would be a good situation or a bad one. So I never expressed this need to raise the baby externally though. I knew where my life would have ended up if I would have not made an adoption plan and in my head it was law. If I would have backed out I would have never forgiven myself. NEVER. Even with what is going on with the whole open adoption closing shut in my face 2 years ago without warning I am still positive I made the right decision. I may not like the situation but I am going to accept that God has a plan for this and I know he will show me the light when I am ready. Maybe right now is not my time to reconnect with them, though it kills me DAILY. The best I can do is pray they are all doing well and keep myself easily found in their lives so they can connect with me.
When I was making my adoption plan they suggest you think about the 'what if's' assuming if you think about it before hand you will be less likely to change your mind in the end and saving a bunch of people heartache. The thing is I thought about raising the kid on my own daily while I was expecting. Its something you go through every SECOND. Internally I fought with myself, I was born to be a mommy I could emotionally do it. My heart though knew I wouldn't be in it 100% I could talk myself into doing it but I would make many people crash and burn.
This is where I think I became the most rational person I know. I can't help it anymore, when situations get presented to me I am already thinking about today, tomorrow and 5 years from now. Plus all the people around me and if it would be a good situation or a bad one. So I never expressed this need to raise the baby externally though. I knew where my life would have ended up if I would have not made an adoption plan and in my head it was law. If I would have backed out I would have never forgiven myself. NEVER. Even with what is going on with the whole open adoption closing shut in my face 2 years ago without warning I am still positive I made the right decision. I may not like the situation but I am going to accept that God has a plan for this and I know he will show me the light when I am ready. Maybe right now is not my time to reconnect with them, though it kills me DAILY. The best I can do is pray they are all doing well and keep myself easily found in their lives so they can connect with me.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Skipping through to today
I struggle alot lately. I feel alone like I have no one to talk too. Fact of the matter is things never go as planned and I was left standing in the wreckage asking why. I had excellent communication with the mom up until nearly 3 years ago. He turned 9 I got my 'yearly' photos and then I was told they were moving back to Ill. I was ok with it, since they had been between the two cities since he was born it was just something I was accustomed too. The dad went where there was good work I understood that. A year went by I never gave it a second thought. Then his 10th birthday rolled around, this was the age the parents decided to tell him about his adoption (if he hadn't figured it out already), so I waited patiently for an email which never came.
A month after his 10th birthday I composed an email and sent it out thinking well maybe the forgot. Yeah that wasn't the issue, when they moved they changed their email address, which was NOT new practice for them they did it every time, and I wasn't kept in the loop. I just broke into tears. I had NO WAY to contact them and I all the sudden felt like a burden. I spent the next year rationalizing (the other mommy to the oldest son was WAYYY clingy when they lived here which was what prompted their first move to the Northwest he turned 10 two years before my son, I think) so I figured she was being intrusive again and they decided it would be best to continue up there. I contacted the adoption agency to update my info, yeah TO THIS DAY AFTER I DON'T KNOW THIRTY CALLS, no one has returned one.
I don't have friends in my situation, its not like I can hop a flight to confront them, I was lost. Then last year I tried emailing the dad on FB around his 11th birthday he never responded. Then a couple of months ago I realized the mom had a fb so I sent a similar email to her just pointing out the 'mix up' and asking for new pics and an update on the last two years and still nothing. Last year on his birthday I sat and cried, actually as I currently am, those updates kept me sane. My bf cooked me steaks and bought me chocolates and pampered me (luckily and sadly all at once my step daughter's mom has the same birthday so she is usually with her mom and not on my case and making my emotions worse) I had a friend come over, though I pleaded with MANY to distract me none were interested, her and I watched Dave Matthews Band DVD's and I think A Night At The Roxbury I was still sad but it felt good that I could lean on someone. Of course her and I are no longer friends for whatever reason so there is that. I just have nothing to look forward too with that anymore and it makes me sad everyday. Today has been the hardest yet. I don't even know why, nothing about today is significant when it comes to him at least in my memory so why today? Each time I sit at the computer to type about him I cry, I have about 30 unpublished blogs just rambling about nothing that don't even pertain to him because I can't write about him when I am so mixed up about the whole thing....
A month after his 10th birthday I composed an email and sent it out thinking well maybe the forgot. Yeah that wasn't the issue, when they moved they changed their email address, which was NOT new practice for them they did it every time, and I wasn't kept in the loop. I just broke into tears. I had NO WAY to contact them and I all the sudden felt like a burden. I spent the next year rationalizing (the other mommy to the oldest son was WAYYY clingy when they lived here which was what prompted their first move to the Northwest he turned 10 two years before my son, I think) so I figured she was being intrusive again and they decided it would be best to continue up there. I contacted the adoption agency to update my info, yeah TO THIS DAY AFTER I DON'T KNOW THIRTY CALLS, no one has returned one.
I don't have friends in my situation, its not like I can hop a flight to confront them, I was lost. Then last year I tried emailing the dad on FB around his 11th birthday he never responded. Then a couple of months ago I realized the mom had a fb so I sent a similar email to her just pointing out the 'mix up' and asking for new pics and an update on the last two years and still nothing. Last year on his birthday I sat and cried, actually as I currently am, those updates kept me sane. My bf cooked me steaks and bought me chocolates and pampered me (luckily and sadly all at once my step daughter's mom has the same birthday so she is usually with her mom and not on my case and making my emotions worse) I had a friend come over, though I pleaded with MANY to distract me none were interested, her and I watched Dave Matthews Band DVD's and I think A Night At The Roxbury I was still sad but it felt good that I could lean on someone. Of course her and I are no longer friends for whatever reason so there is that. I just have nothing to look forward too with that anymore and it makes me sad everyday. Today has been the hardest yet. I don't even know why, nothing about today is significant when it comes to him at least in my memory so why today? Each time I sit at the computer to type about him I cry, I have about 30 unpublished blogs just rambling about nothing that don't even pertain to him because I can't write about him when I am so mixed up about the whole thing....
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life changing
So I quickly went on to get a job and 'act my age' but all I wanted to do was settle down. I was 18, living with my 'husband to be' and it was like nothing changed. He treated me the same. Not to say he was a total bad guy but he just wasn't nice. Ok Ok like I said I was mean to him but after the adoption I think he decided it was all my fault and so he began to take it out on me. I don't remember if I said before so I will say it now. When I had the baby I KNEW with all my heart that we weren't meant to be.
Holding that baby was all I needed to know about love. When I walked away my heart shattered into a million pieces. I just hoped that Mark and my relationship would be at the other end of my pieces. I felt stupid and I wanted to prove myself WRONG. How could I have a child with a man I didn't even know? We were together off and on for nearly 3 years and he was like a stranger to me! We fought all the time. I will honestly say from July until like the Beginning of September we put an honest foot forward to our relationship. I guess he was still willing to try and I guess he did but from about the middle of September until the end of October I was closed off and done. I was never home. I worked all the time, I was at my old high school for football games and I think at the time I had a visit with the mom and dad. (This whole time is super blurry to me).
So one night at the end of October, I had an apartment and roommates. I had a full time job and I just needed to get out so I took Mark to a Denny's where I broke it off. I then moved out the next day. The issue was I had spent my whole life with him for over a year, his family was my family so moving out wasn't the end. I was mean, I strung him along for a while which to this day I super regret but I will continue later. Next is the first time my life began to spiral out of control.
Holding that baby was all I needed to know about love. When I walked away my heart shattered into a million pieces. I just hoped that Mark and my relationship would be at the other end of my pieces. I felt stupid and I wanted to prove myself WRONG. How could I have a child with a man I didn't even know? We were together off and on for nearly 3 years and he was like a stranger to me! We fought all the time. I will honestly say from July until like the Beginning of September we put an honest foot forward to our relationship. I guess he was still willing to try and I guess he did but from about the middle of September until the end of October I was closed off and done. I was never home. I worked all the time, I was at my old high school for football games and I think at the time I had a visit with the mom and dad. (This whole time is super blurry to me).
So one night at the end of October, I had an apartment and roommates. I had a full time job and I just needed to get out so I took Mark to a Denny's where I broke it off. I then moved out the next day. The issue was I had spent my whole life with him for over a year, his family was my family so moving out wasn't the end. I was mean, I strung him along for a while which to this day I super regret but I will continue later. Next is the first time my life began to spiral out of control.
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