When it comes to adoption there is no ONE way about it. There are so many misguided people out there. I wish I could answer all the worlds questions in one blog and be done with but its not that easy. There are many area's of adoption. Each situation is different in its own way based on the birth mom, the adoption parents, the child, the agency and so many other things.
I have a child, her name is Jordan. I also have a son for whom I am the 'birth mother' for. When I talk about Jordan she is my daughter when I talk about my birth son he is my son.
It took tremendous strength for me to choose adoption for my son. Only a mother who can face the facts about their own life can make this heart wrenching decision for their child. At the time I got pregnant my life was circling the drain and I had NO motivation to try and fix it because I was still a teenager. I wasn't even out of high school and I just wanted to be a child. The problem with that is that even without my son to raise I was still forced to grow up.
Don't get me wrong I did my completely childish things. I moved to a new state, I made new friends I took on jobs I would never do. I drank enough right after I turned 21 for 30 people in a life time. I grew quickly bored with that lifestyle. The issue is that the lifestyle masked my issues with the adoption. I was never forced to really face my pain, then I got pregnant and found a new way to ignore the adoption. Until the last year I have been able to ignore all that sadness and pain. This year seems to have brought it all on me like waves crashing down uncontrollably. I wish I had more control of what I feel but after 11 years of 'forgetting' but since I shoved that down for so long its like 11 years of sadness, anger, and depression are coming out all at once.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Be Realistic!
Here is a conversation from today. I deleted all the names but my own because I don't want to infringe on anyones personal life but I DID want to share the conversation. Please know what terms to use. If you aren't sure we are more than willing to educate you or let you know what we prefer.
Friday, November 4, 2011
National Adoption Month
I am going to try and NOT be all woe is me this month. Yeah I am going through something so difficult but that negative energy I am feeding myself really isn't worth it. I am thankful to finally have someone to lean on, ie all the new birth moms who have become my instant friends over the last month or so. I look forward to our weekly online chats and having banter on facebook with them.
I finally, 13 years since I found out I was pregnant, have someone who 'GETS ME' and all it took was me to look for my adoption agency and then everything started to fall into place for me. I have my story posted and have gotten nothing but AMAZING and SUPPORTIVE comments from those who have read my story. I am SO lucky.
I finally, 13 years since I found out I was pregnant, have someone who 'GETS ME' and all it took was me to look for my adoption agency and then everything started to fall into place for me. I have my story posted and have gotten nothing but AMAZING and SUPPORTIVE comments from those who have read my story. I am SO lucky.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Not being productive
Lately I have been surrounding myself with birth mom's and while its been a mostly positive experience I am starting to feel the negative. I won't say who or directly quote but people saying 'I want my kid back' or the woe is me complaints are really starting to rub me the wrong way.
Listen I get it you are sad but we are all trying to just survive and are going through something similar the last thing we need to be reminded is how you want your baby back. I am just annoyed by it. I think its selfish of you to ask me to 'feel bad for you' when most of the things you are upset about are things you brought upon yourself. Sorry to be mean here but its really rubbing me the wrong way.
Listen I get it you are sad but we are all trying to just survive and are going through something similar the last thing we need to be reminded is how you want your baby back. I am just annoyed by it. I think its selfish of you to ask me to 'feel bad for you' when most of the things you are upset about are things you brought upon yourself. Sorry to be mean here but its really rubbing me the wrong way.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Someone is in agreement.
If you know me you know I have been struggling HARD CORE with the fact that my adoption has gone from open to closed without warning. If I were intrusive or insisted on them doing more I would have understood. The issue is I was still only requesting pics and an update on his birthday.
So I was reading on a birthmothers blog that this girl was angry over her adoption closing on her. She stated that parents who close adoptions on the bmoms are selfish and should go to hell. While I agree that they are selfish for closing the adoption I DO NOT agree that they should go to hell. Its a little harsh, No? Yeah it hurts me and really makes my life hard it doesn't mean that they didn't do what THEY thought was right for THEM at the time, which yes makes them selfish.
So yeah I am hurt and upset but thats it. Hopefully my adoption agency will get somewhere with the parents and will be able to help me close that chapter and then I will hopefully be able to move on knowing whats going on.
So I was reading on a birthmothers blog that this girl was angry over her adoption closing on her. She stated that parents who close adoptions on the bmoms are selfish and should go to hell. While I agree that they are selfish for closing the adoption I DO NOT agree that they should go to hell. Its a little harsh, No? Yeah it hurts me and really makes my life hard it doesn't mean that they didn't do what THEY thought was right for THEM at the time, which yes makes them selfish.
So yeah I am hurt and upset but thats it. Hopefully my adoption agency will get somewhere with the parents and will be able to help me close that chapter and then I will hopefully be able to move on knowing whats going on.
Monday, July 11, 2011
And then there was day one
Another copy and paste from my main blog.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.
Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.
Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish. It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.
I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.
Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.
A little piece of my heart
I posted this last night on my other blog.
Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.
Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!
I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.
To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.
Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.
Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.
Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!
I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.
To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.
Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I wanted to talk
I am a BIG fan of 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom. I watch the show every week and am sadly fascinated by the way it plays out. If mine would have been televised I will tell you this my adoption plan wouldn't have changed. I would have told everyone, I think, but adoption was the main goal in my heart and I knew the second I met his parents that they were his parents.
When I look back I don't regret it. I mean I wish I could have trusted his family to not treat me poorly and then maybe I would have shared with them but I hid it for a year (from conception) before I used it to hurt them. So yeah looking back maybe I could have been smarter about that but its not my job as an 18 year old to protect them. Not that they were the worst people to live with but for years after I moved away from them I went through stages of depression, anger and frustration. I have blocked out periods of my life between the ages of 18 and 21 because I was either black out drunk or maybe I am afraid of how I will react to it so I have forgotten it.
If my ex were to ever read this I mean I would apologize for all the sadness I caused him but I don't take any of it back. I needed help and he wasn't helping me. I needed space and he smothered me. I needed someone to see ME and all he saw was who I was and not who I was becoming. I was screaming for help in a million different ways and no matter what I did he just pushed me in the wrong ways. Like if I cried he bought me gifts, if we fought we went out for dinner so we couldn't fight and if I was sick of him he took me to work with him. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird.
So with my son's 12th birthday on July 11th each passing day is getting harder for me. I am still not in contact with his parents and have been tempted to write letters to all their known addresses to see if I can get anywhere.....Breathing sucks, sleeping sucks, even day dreaming during this time HURTS. I know his parents think what they are doing is good for him but its ruining me why not at least give me small updates? tell me WHY you aren't talking to me. UNBREAK MY HEART! We are going to Utah the weekend before his birthday and I know I will cry all weekend. We are going to Provo to my family's plots and the last time I was there was when my grandpa died and I was pregnant with Jordan who is nearly 8. My mom asked for pictures of my older brothers headstone (or whatever its called) and I will spend time with each family member buried there. I just am hoping this trip isn't smashed because I am so sad over the whole communication and having no one to talk about it with.......
Kristen I would really love to have lunch with you soon :(
When I look back I don't regret it. I mean I wish I could have trusted his family to not treat me poorly and then maybe I would have shared with them but I hid it for a year (from conception) before I used it to hurt them. So yeah looking back maybe I could have been smarter about that but its not my job as an 18 year old to protect them. Not that they were the worst people to live with but for years after I moved away from them I went through stages of depression, anger and frustration. I have blocked out periods of my life between the ages of 18 and 21 because I was either black out drunk or maybe I am afraid of how I will react to it so I have forgotten it.
If my ex were to ever read this I mean I would apologize for all the sadness I caused him but I don't take any of it back. I needed help and he wasn't helping me. I needed space and he smothered me. I needed someone to see ME and all he saw was who I was and not who I was becoming. I was screaming for help in a million different ways and no matter what I did he just pushed me in the wrong ways. Like if I cried he bought me gifts, if we fought we went out for dinner so we couldn't fight and if I was sick of him he took me to work with him. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird.
So with my son's 12th birthday on July 11th each passing day is getting harder for me. I am still not in contact with his parents and have been tempted to write letters to all their known addresses to see if I can get anywhere.....Breathing sucks, sleeping sucks, even day dreaming during this time HURTS. I know his parents think what they are doing is good for him but its ruining me why not at least give me small updates? tell me WHY you aren't talking to me. UNBREAK MY HEART! We are going to Utah the weekend before his birthday and I know I will cry all weekend. We are going to Provo to my family's plots and the last time I was there was when my grandpa died and I was pregnant with Jordan who is nearly 8. My mom asked for pictures of my older brothers headstone (or whatever its called) and I will spend time with each family member buried there. I just am hoping this trip isn't smashed because I am so sad over the whole communication and having no one to talk about it with.......
Kristen I would really love to have lunch with you soon :(
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Ruin is a reason to rebuild
I, currently, watched 'Eat, Pray, Love' and while she was emailing David she said that. It reminded me of numerous times in my life when I felt the need to 'Start over.' The first time was the adoption. I rid myself of all negative energy, my bf, my friends, my life. I moved into a new house and I was in a constant moving pattern. I knowingly got involved with a guy I shouldn't have, at the same time I was becoming a pen pal with an Army guy. I just refused to let anything keep me planted. I gave my own child up for adoption so I needed to prove to myself that I had reason. I flew to PA, Albany, NY, I took a bus practically to Canada, I traveled to Seattle.
I did things I wouldn't have done without the push. Of course I only did them in a 3 year time span. By the time I moved to Denver my life was OUT OF CONTROL. I was acting like a fool. I thought I would move to Denver and my life would be magically fixed. I thought ok so I am 21, I will get a job, a place to live, and build lifetime relationships. I was WAY off. My life just seemed to spin further off the charts and before I knew it I was breaking it off with a guy and finding out I was pregnant, again.
That was my bottom, I hit it hard but it was my ruin. I kept thinking I had hit it earlier in my life but I was wrong by 21 my life had hit rock bottom and I was ready to start over. Doesn't mean I magically fixed my life, but I took steps to take control again. So here I am 8 years after I started to take control and the rebuilding is looking good. The people in my life are solid foundations and my kids are my future :)
I did things I wouldn't have done without the push. Of course I only did them in a 3 year time span. By the time I moved to Denver my life was OUT OF CONTROL. I was acting like a fool. I thought I would move to Denver and my life would be magically fixed. I thought ok so I am 21, I will get a job, a place to live, and build lifetime relationships. I was WAY off. My life just seemed to spin further off the charts and before I knew it I was breaking it off with a guy and finding out I was pregnant, again.
That was my bottom, I hit it hard but it was my ruin. I kept thinking I had hit it earlier in my life but I was wrong by 21 my life had hit rock bottom and I was ready to start over. Doesn't mean I magically fixed my life, but I took steps to take control again. So here I am 8 years after I started to take control and the rebuilding is looking good. The people in my life are solid foundations and my kids are my future :)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Is there regret?
I get asked OFTEN about any regrets I have about the adoption. I don't have any I want to make that 100% clear. In watching some old shows on netflix lately I ran across an old episode of Brothers and Sisters where Kitty and Robert are meeting with a potential bio mom and she is 100% sure of her decision but Kitty is not sold and so she pushes the mom to think about changing her mind and in the end she decides not to go with Kitty and Robert.
When I was making my adoption plan they suggest you think about the 'what if's' assuming if you think about it before hand you will be less likely to change your mind in the end and saving a bunch of people heartache. The thing is I thought about raising the kid on my own daily while I was expecting. Its something you go through every SECOND. Internally I fought with myself, I was born to be a mommy I could emotionally do it. My heart though knew I wouldn't be in it 100% I could talk myself into doing it but I would make many people crash and burn.
This is where I think I became the most rational person I know. I can't help it anymore, when situations get presented to me I am already thinking about today, tomorrow and 5 years from now. Plus all the people around me and if it would be a good situation or a bad one. So I never expressed this need to raise the baby externally though. I knew where my life would have ended up if I would have not made an adoption plan and in my head it was law. If I would have backed out I would have never forgiven myself. NEVER. Even with what is going on with the whole open adoption closing shut in my face 2 years ago without warning I am still positive I made the right decision. I may not like the situation but I am going to accept that God has a plan for this and I know he will show me the light when I am ready. Maybe right now is not my time to reconnect with them, though it kills me DAILY. The best I can do is pray they are all doing well and keep myself easily found in their lives so they can connect with me.
When I was making my adoption plan they suggest you think about the 'what if's' assuming if you think about it before hand you will be less likely to change your mind in the end and saving a bunch of people heartache. The thing is I thought about raising the kid on my own daily while I was expecting. Its something you go through every SECOND. Internally I fought with myself, I was born to be a mommy I could emotionally do it. My heart though knew I wouldn't be in it 100% I could talk myself into doing it but I would make many people crash and burn.
This is where I think I became the most rational person I know. I can't help it anymore, when situations get presented to me I am already thinking about today, tomorrow and 5 years from now. Plus all the people around me and if it would be a good situation or a bad one. So I never expressed this need to raise the baby externally though. I knew where my life would have ended up if I would have not made an adoption plan and in my head it was law. If I would have backed out I would have never forgiven myself. NEVER. Even with what is going on with the whole open adoption closing shut in my face 2 years ago without warning I am still positive I made the right decision. I may not like the situation but I am going to accept that God has a plan for this and I know he will show me the light when I am ready. Maybe right now is not my time to reconnect with them, though it kills me DAILY. The best I can do is pray they are all doing well and keep myself easily found in their lives so they can connect with me.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Skipping through to today
I struggle alot lately. I feel alone like I have no one to talk too. Fact of the matter is things never go as planned and I was left standing in the wreckage asking why. I had excellent communication with the mom up until nearly 3 years ago. He turned 9 I got my 'yearly' photos and then I was told they were moving back to Ill. I was ok with it, since they had been between the two cities since he was born it was just something I was accustomed too. The dad went where there was good work I understood that. A year went by I never gave it a second thought. Then his 10th birthday rolled around, this was the age the parents decided to tell him about his adoption (if he hadn't figured it out already), so I waited patiently for an email which never came.
A month after his 10th birthday I composed an email and sent it out thinking well maybe the forgot. Yeah that wasn't the issue, when they moved they changed their email address, which was NOT new practice for them they did it every time, and I wasn't kept in the loop. I just broke into tears. I had NO WAY to contact them and I all the sudden felt like a burden. I spent the next year rationalizing (the other mommy to the oldest son was WAYYY clingy when they lived here which was what prompted their first move to the Northwest he turned 10 two years before my son, I think) so I figured she was being intrusive again and they decided it would be best to continue up there. I contacted the adoption agency to update my info, yeah TO THIS DAY AFTER I DON'T KNOW THIRTY CALLS, no one has returned one.
I don't have friends in my situation, its not like I can hop a flight to confront them, I was lost. Then last year I tried emailing the dad on FB around his 11th birthday he never responded. Then a couple of months ago I realized the mom had a fb so I sent a similar email to her just pointing out the 'mix up' and asking for new pics and an update on the last two years and still nothing. Last year on his birthday I sat and cried, actually as I currently am, those updates kept me sane. My bf cooked me steaks and bought me chocolates and pampered me (luckily and sadly all at once my step daughter's mom has the same birthday so she is usually with her mom and not on my case and making my emotions worse) I had a friend come over, though I pleaded with MANY to distract me none were interested, her and I watched Dave Matthews Band DVD's and I think A Night At The Roxbury I was still sad but it felt good that I could lean on someone. Of course her and I are no longer friends for whatever reason so there is that. I just have nothing to look forward too with that anymore and it makes me sad everyday. Today has been the hardest yet. I don't even know why, nothing about today is significant when it comes to him at least in my memory so why today? Each time I sit at the computer to type about him I cry, I have about 30 unpublished blogs just rambling about nothing that don't even pertain to him because I can't write about him when I am so mixed up about the whole thing....
A month after his 10th birthday I composed an email and sent it out thinking well maybe the forgot. Yeah that wasn't the issue, when they moved they changed their email address, which was NOT new practice for them they did it every time, and I wasn't kept in the loop. I just broke into tears. I had NO WAY to contact them and I all the sudden felt like a burden. I spent the next year rationalizing (the other mommy to the oldest son was WAYYY clingy when they lived here which was what prompted their first move to the Northwest he turned 10 two years before my son, I think) so I figured she was being intrusive again and they decided it would be best to continue up there. I contacted the adoption agency to update my info, yeah TO THIS DAY AFTER I DON'T KNOW THIRTY CALLS, no one has returned one.
I don't have friends in my situation, its not like I can hop a flight to confront them, I was lost. Then last year I tried emailing the dad on FB around his 11th birthday he never responded. Then a couple of months ago I realized the mom had a fb so I sent a similar email to her just pointing out the 'mix up' and asking for new pics and an update on the last two years and still nothing. Last year on his birthday I sat and cried, actually as I currently am, those updates kept me sane. My bf cooked me steaks and bought me chocolates and pampered me (luckily and sadly all at once my step daughter's mom has the same birthday so she is usually with her mom and not on my case and making my emotions worse) I had a friend come over, though I pleaded with MANY to distract me none were interested, her and I watched Dave Matthews Band DVD's and I think A Night At The Roxbury I was still sad but it felt good that I could lean on someone. Of course her and I are no longer friends for whatever reason so there is that. I just have nothing to look forward too with that anymore and it makes me sad everyday. Today has been the hardest yet. I don't even know why, nothing about today is significant when it comes to him at least in my memory so why today? Each time I sit at the computer to type about him I cry, I have about 30 unpublished blogs just rambling about nothing that don't even pertain to him because I can't write about him when I am so mixed up about the whole thing....
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life changing
So I quickly went on to get a job and 'act my age' but all I wanted to do was settle down. I was 18, living with my 'husband to be' and it was like nothing changed. He treated me the same. Not to say he was a total bad guy but he just wasn't nice. Ok Ok like I said I was mean to him but after the adoption I think he decided it was all my fault and so he began to take it out on me. I don't remember if I said before so I will say it now. When I had the baby I KNEW with all my heart that we weren't meant to be.
Holding that baby was all I needed to know about love. When I walked away my heart shattered into a million pieces. I just hoped that Mark and my relationship would be at the other end of my pieces. I felt stupid and I wanted to prove myself WRONG. How could I have a child with a man I didn't even know? We were together off and on for nearly 3 years and he was like a stranger to me! We fought all the time. I will honestly say from July until like the Beginning of September we put an honest foot forward to our relationship. I guess he was still willing to try and I guess he did but from about the middle of September until the end of October I was closed off and done. I was never home. I worked all the time, I was at my old high school for football games and I think at the time I had a visit with the mom and dad. (This whole time is super blurry to me).
So one night at the end of October, I had an apartment and roommates. I had a full time job and I just needed to get out so I took Mark to a Denny's where I broke it off. I then moved out the next day. The issue was I had spent my whole life with him for over a year, his family was my family so moving out wasn't the end. I was mean, I strung him along for a while which to this day I super regret but I will continue later. Next is the first time my life began to spiral out of control.
Holding that baby was all I needed to know about love. When I walked away my heart shattered into a million pieces. I just hoped that Mark and my relationship would be at the other end of my pieces. I felt stupid and I wanted to prove myself WRONG. How could I have a child with a man I didn't even know? We were together off and on for nearly 3 years and he was like a stranger to me! We fought all the time. I will honestly say from July until like the Beginning of September we put an honest foot forward to our relationship. I guess he was still willing to try and I guess he did but from about the middle of September until the end of October I was closed off and done. I was never home. I worked all the time, I was at my old high school for football games and I think at the time I had a visit with the mom and dad. (This whole time is super blurry to me).
So one night at the end of October, I had an apartment and roommates. I had a full time job and I just needed to get out so I took Mark to a Denny's where I broke it off. I then moved out the next day. The issue was I had spent my whole life with him for over a year, his family was my family so moving out wasn't the end. I was mean, I strung him along for a while which to this day I super regret but I will continue later. Next is the first time my life began to spiral out of control.
Monday, January 17, 2011
72 hours
So per Arizona State law you cannot sign the paper work for legal adoption until 72 hours after the birth. My day in the hospital was day one. I made my appointment Wednesday morning at 8:00 am. I think I was almost scared I would change my mind because of what I had witnessed before so I just wanted to assure his parents I wasn't going to go back on 'our deal' you know. When I left I had their address and contact information so I was able to call them.
I went home thinking YAY BED! What I realized was until I knew he was safe, I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep. Don't get me wrong I left him in the capable hands of the hospital nursery and I was 100% sure at 8am when visiting hours were back the mom and dad would be there to get him. She called me when they got home and talked to me. That call was the ticket into my 24 hours of sleep.
I wasn't depressed. No. I was exhausted. I hadn't really slept in 3 days and so that was my catch up. I ate no food and took no bathroom breaks. All I did from Monday afternoon to Tuesday around 3pm was sleep. My bf and I, I think, went to dinner together. I know he had hopes of calming me down because I was so anxious for the 72 hours to be over. I worried that some how he would get left in the wind and forgotten and then some tragedy would befall his parents and he would have nothing. He would be alone in this world and I did that to him. So I had many nightmares that night and got up around 4 to take a bath and do my hair and make up and pick out the perfect outfit just to sign my baby over to his parents.
I walked into the room and I am sure they all thought I was nuts, I looked like someone ready for a night on the town first thing in the morning but I think it made me feel like I was able to control SOMETHING. I had control of how I looked and I had control of giving those parents hope so I was taking the rains of the things I could and I held on for as long as I could. I had a meeting with my counselor and we talked about the birth and what I had named the baby. Oh I didn't name him. Which seemed to initially shock the lady. When I explained to her that he will always be what his parents name him to me she nodded and told me I was acting very ready. He was NEVER mine to name. I told the parents this during our first meeting. He isn't "mine" he was theirs I felt me naming him would place some sort of possession in me and I thought it would just complicate things so I just didn't. He will remain baby boy to me.
So we had the supervisor come in and we all signed the papers. There were pictures taken and I think coffee and cookies but then I went home. I got on with it. Some things that happened in THIS blog post came back to me very recently. I have a best friend whom I love very much. I will not say her name but she was adopted. She was raised by a wonderful woman and had a great childhood. She said when she met her birth mom all of her 'siblings' referred to her as a totally different name, this is what they named me she said. She said it was confusing and really bothersome even now it bothers her. I felt good that she agreed with my decision, though yes I am realistic that my situation might turn out 100% different but I have hope that he will appreciate something I have done if not everything......(a girl can hope)
I went home thinking YAY BED! What I realized was until I knew he was safe, I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep. Don't get me wrong I left him in the capable hands of the hospital nursery and I was 100% sure at 8am when visiting hours were back the mom and dad would be there to get him. She called me when they got home and talked to me. That call was the ticket into my 24 hours of sleep.
I wasn't depressed. No. I was exhausted. I hadn't really slept in 3 days and so that was my catch up. I ate no food and took no bathroom breaks. All I did from Monday afternoon to Tuesday around 3pm was sleep. My bf and I, I think, went to dinner together. I know he had hopes of calming me down because I was so anxious for the 72 hours to be over. I worried that some how he would get left in the wind and forgotten and then some tragedy would befall his parents and he would have nothing. He would be alone in this world and I did that to him. So I had many nightmares that night and got up around 4 to take a bath and do my hair and make up and pick out the perfect outfit just to sign my baby over to his parents.
I walked into the room and I am sure they all thought I was nuts, I looked like someone ready for a night on the town first thing in the morning but I think it made me feel like I was able to control SOMETHING. I had control of how I looked and I had control of giving those parents hope so I was taking the rains of the things I could and I held on for as long as I could. I had a meeting with my counselor and we talked about the birth and what I had named the baby. Oh I didn't name him. Which seemed to initially shock the lady. When I explained to her that he will always be what his parents name him to me she nodded and told me I was acting very ready. He was NEVER mine to name. I told the parents this during our first meeting. He isn't "mine" he was theirs I felt me naming him would place some sort of possession in me and I thought it would just complicate things so I just didn't. He will remain baby boy to me.
So we had the supervisor come in and we all signed the papers. There were pictures taken and I think coffee and cookies but then I went home. I got on with it. Some things that happened in THIS blog post came back to me very recently. I have a best friend whom I love very much. I will not say her name but she was adopted. She was raised by a wonderful woman and had a great childhood. She said when she met her birth mom all of her 'siblings' referred to her as a totally different name, this is what they named me she said. She said it was confusing and really bothersome even now it bothers her. I felt good that she agreed with my decision, though yes I am realistic that my situation might turn out 100% different but I have hope that he will appreciate something I have done if not everything......(a girl can hope)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Saturday July 10th and Sunday July 11th
So like I said no one knew that I was pregnant in the house I was living in. (Can I just ignore that ONE person at the normal HS graduation was telling everyone why I wasn't there and was giving the real reason so I had come clean to more people then I had bargained for and my summer was kind of complicated.) So on Saturday it was a normal day and thats just how I lived it. My bf painted for a living and so him and I went to paint a home that he was working on. I was tired most of the day and to be honest I think I fell asleep in the car while he finished up but we didn't get home until after midnight maybe even closer to 1:00am. We both layed down and initially it was wonderful.
Then I started to get uncomfortable which as I have said wasn't weird to me. So I got up to get a drink and almost immediately I threw up. I tried again and same thing happened. I was mad! I cannot be sick right now! Days before talking about being induced. So I called the over night Triage at around 1:30am on the 11th. We went through my symptoms and she was shocked that none of them included pain. She insisted because I was already past my due date that I should go to the hospital that there was a large chance I was in labor.
So I woke my bf up and he grabbed garbage bags and put them on the passenger seat (to this day that pisses me off) and we drove the 20 minutes to the hospital I wanted to deliver at. When we got there I got triaged and told yes I was in labor. Now mind you this was around 2:30-3:00 the doctor was immediately paged and I was checked and then rushed to a private delivery room. I started to beg them to call the emergency number for the adoption agency, I wanted the parents there. I was so worried they would miss it that I started to hyperventilate. The doctor came in around 3:15-ish and broke my water, gave me some 'numbing meds' and we started pushing.
I was in tears. We didn't have a camera and had yet to hear from the adoption agency but it seemed the more angry I got the better of a pusher I became. The baby was born at 4:11 am July 11th (I think the time is right I might be a minute off). Honestly it was crazy. I don't remember much. Because it was an adoption they wouldn't let me hold him right away which I guess at the time I was ok with but who gives them the right to decide for me? I am certain it wouldn't have made a difference with me there were no papers legally signed so they had no legal right to do it but I mean I guess it was all for the best. The rushed me out and I went right to sleep as my bf went home to sleep and then to work (yes I was at the hospital all day without him). I myself started to page the adoption agency.
I spent most of the morning in and out of consciousness so upset that the parents missed the birth. When I did finally get a hold of someone she said she had called the Labor and Delivery area but they didn't know who I was (of course they were paged at like 2:30 and I think she waited until after 6 to call which eventually lead to her resigning from her position). So she contacted the parents (who were on their way to a Diamondbacks game) and they rushed up north. Yes I did spend the day with the baby. Once I felt like I got sleep I had them bring him in. I did not let them put the id bracelets on me or my bf I just held on to them so when his mom and dad got there they could have them. They finally arrived at a little after 1pm with the dad's parents. The mom was very concerned for me because I was in tears but I assured her I was ok and ready to sign the papers so they could apply for the birth certificate and make the baby theirs.
I immediately started to insist they let me go home. I didn't want to spend anytime in the hospital that wasn't necessary and all I wanted was to sleep in my own bed for the night. I will say that I felt connected with the mom. She was so nurturing towards me that night and it was what I needed. I kissed my baby good bye and I promised him it wasn't the last time we would meet. I told him his life was going to be full of love and hope and security and that his mommy and daddy loved him so so much that they waited so long to get him and prayed for a mommy like me to carry him for them. I told him that I never felt anything but love for him and it was why I needed to make the choice to give him to responsible parents who would be capable of giving him things I couldn't even give myself. I had a picture up until a few years ago of the two of us that helped me get through. I don't even know if anyone knew I had it. My friend at the time took it for me and had it developed and brought it to me before I left the hospital. I left looking at it. I think for about a year I slept with this picture in my hands. It was the ONLY reason at the time I was able to walk away. It did end up just crumbling in my hands though. I wish I could remember how the picture looked. You would think since I studied it intently for so long that I could sketch it but I can barely remember it.
Then I started to get uncomfortable which as I have said wasn't weird to me. So I got up to get a drink and almost immediately I threw up. I tried again and same thing happened. I was mad! I cannot be sick right now! Days before talking about being induced. So I called the over night Triage at around 1:30am on the 11th. We went through my symptoms and she was shocked that none of them included pain. She insisted because I was already past my due date that I should go to the hospital that there was a large chance I was in labor.
So I woke my bf up and he grabbed garbage bags and put them on the passenger seat (to this day that pisses me off) and we drove the 20 minutes to the hospital I wanted to deliver at. When we got there I got triaged and told yes I was in labor. Now mind you this was around 2:30-3:00 the doctor was immediately paged and I was checked and then rushed to a private delivery room. I started to beg them to call the emergency number for the adoption agency, I wanted the parents there. I was so worried they would miss it that I started to hyperventilate. The doctor came in around 3:15-ish and broke my water, gave me some 'numbing meds' and we started pushing.
I was in tears. We didn't have a camera and had yet to hear from the adoption agency but it seemed the more angry I got the better of a pusher I became. The baby was born at 4:11 am July 11th (I think the time is right I might be a minute off). Honestly it was crazy. I don't remember much. Because it was an adoption they wouldn't let me hold him right away which I guess at the time I was ok with but who gives them the right to decide for me? I am certain it wouldn't have made a difference with me there were no papers legally signed so they had no legal right to do it but I mean I guess it was all for the best. The rushed me out and I went right to sleep as my bf went home to sleep and then to work (yes I was at the hospital all day without him). I myself started to page the adoption agency.
I spent most of the morning in and out of consciousness so upset that the parents missed the birth. When I did finally get a hold of someone she said she had called the Labor and Delivery area but they didn't know who I was (of course they were paged at like 2:30 and I think she waited until after 6 to call which eventually lead to her resigning from her position). So she contacted the parents (who were on their way to a Diamondbacks game) and they rushed up north. Yes I did spend the day with the baby. Once I felt like I got sleep I had them bring him in. I did not let them put the id bracelets on me or my bf I just held on to them so when his mom and dad got there they could have them. They finally arrived at a little after 1pm with the dad's parents. The mom was very concerned for me because I was in tears but I assured her I was ok and ready to sign the papers so they could apply for the birth certificate and make the baby theirs.
I immediately started to insist they let me go home. I didn't want to spend anytime in the hospital that wasn't necessary and all I wanted was to sleep in my own bed for the night. I will say that I felt connected with the mom. She was so nurturing towards me that night and it was what I needed. I kissed my baby good bye and I promised him it wasn't the last time we would meet. I told him his life was going to be full of love and hope and security and that his mommy and daddy loved him so so much that they waited so long to get him and prayed for a mommy like me to carry him for them. I told him that I never felt anything but love for him and it was why I needed to make the choice to give him to responsible parents who would be capable of giving him things I couldn't even give myself. I had a picture up until a few years ago of the two of us that helped me get through. I don't even know if anyone knew I had it. My friend at the time took it for me and had it developed and brought it to me before I left the hospital. I left looking at it. I think for about a year I slept with this picture in my hands. It was the ONLY reason at the time I was able to walk away. It did end up just crumbling in my hands though. I wish I could remember how the picture looked. You would think since I studied it intently for so long that I could sketch it but I can barely remember it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I apologize
I honestly wanted to update today but I have been sick and wasn't up to it. Plus my daughter had cheer tonight which took 2 hours of my day. I will MOST LIKELY blog tomorrow night.
Thank you for following.
Thank you for following.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Back and at it
So any who. I kept at my after school activities and was still friends with most people from earlier years in High School but I felt SO disconnected. I hated to feel like I would be judged so I hid my pregnancy. There were a few token people who knew including a few teachers who to this day I appreciate their patience with me. As I turned 18 I started to visit the doctor alone and found an adoption agency. Before its asked of my, YES the dad was 100% involved with the situation. He signed the papers right there along with me. Yet some how at 7 months NO ONE knew! I still am shocked I was able to pull off that EPIC secret for so long.
Then came the class of 99 graduation. Since I was in the band it was mandatory to attend the ceremony as it was like your final grade. I don't remember the whole thing but I know me and our director got into it and there was alot of arguing about me attending I tried for most of our fight to not use the baby card but it eventually came out and how sad I would be at watching all of my friends walk the stage without me. Having to be asked why I was not walking would have been also very embarrassing so we found another way for me to do a 'final test' I wish I could remember but I know he respected me in the end for not starting with something he knew I knew would give me the win.
At this time we were interviewing perspective adoptive parents. I cannot express how difficult this process was. We got sent home with many folders of families. I don't remember the EXACT amount of time it took but we narrowed it down to two families. At the time we just wanted a stay at home mommy and a family who took vacations often. I know it sounds silly but age and background and religion meant NOTHING to us. The first family we met I cannot explain them completely. They both worked for an airline, were 'older', and had a son. I cannot remember if it was 'their' birth son but he was brought with them. The meeting with them was hectic and HARD. I couldn't for the life of me connect with the family at all. Our hearts were not meant to be connected. I knew it. I was afraid to meet the second family. It SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!
What if we don't get along? What if we have to start over? What if we run out of time and the baby is left childless? I literally stressed. Then I met them. I want to say music played and everyone was quiet but actually the opposite happened. We were there in the waiting room when they showed up.I recognized them and introduced myself. We were informed our counselor was in a meeting with a bio mom who changed her mind. All the sudden I was crushed. I mean it NEVER crossed my mind that, that could happen. (I mean I guess if I picked the wrong people maybe I would have backed out I guess its just one of those things I thank GOD I will never know the answer too) After a few minutes of talking we were escorted to a private room. They were getting complaints that we were being too loud. Even in the private room we were getting complaints. So yes the second I met the mom I knew. Our hearts were connected before we even met. It sounds weird but I felt a connection to her that no one else can have with me. They were very sweet and understanding of our situation. I knew RIGHT AWAY that they were perfect, she was my babies mom and he was the dad. So like I said it never crossed my mind to raise the baby on my own I was never the babies 'parent' NEVER!
Then came summer school. It was awesome. I was eating like 20 times a day and our summer school teacher was awesome. I ended up finding comfort in someone I was only acquainted with through high school. Her name was also Kristen and we spent a good time of summer school together. At this time my relationship with my bf and his family was majorly strained. I wasn't sleeping at night, so it was waking everyone up, I wanted to sleep all day which meant everyone in the house needed to be quiet and I refused to close our bedroom window because they smoked and I couldn't stand it. I should add that other than him and myself no one knew I was pregnant. I remember my graduation. I was asked to perform a song with another person which I refused. I sat next to Kristen and I think at some point we were holding hands for support. It was July 9th. I was two days past my due date. I was SHOCKED I was still pregnant.
I will write more maybe tomorrow. I am not feeling well and before I knew it this was SUPER long. I will start with the weekend before I had the baby since July 9th was a Thursday.
Then came the class of 99 graduation. Since I was in the band it was mandatory to attend the ceremony as it was like your final grade. I don't remember the whole thing but I know me and our director got into it and there was alot of arguing about me attending I tried for most of our fight to not use the baby card but it eventually came out and how sad I would be at watching all of my friends walk the stage without me. Having to be asked why I was not walking would have been also very embarrassing so we found another way for me to do a 'final test' I wish I could remember but I know he respected me in the end for not starting with something he knew I knew would give me the win.
At this time we were interviewing perspective adoptive parents. I cannot express how difficult this process was. We got sent home with many folders of families. I don't remember the EXACT amount of time it took but we narrowed it down to two families. At the time we just wanted a stay at home mommy and a family who took vacations often. I know it sounds silly but age and background and religion meant NOTHING to us. The first family we met I cannot explain them completely. They both worked for an airline, were 'older', and had a son. I cannot remember if it was 'their' birth son but he was brought with them. The meeting with them was hectic and HARD. I couldn't for the life of me connect with the family at all. Our hearts were not meant to be connected. I knew it. I was afraid to meet the second family. It SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!
What if we don't get along? What if we have to start over? What if we run out of time and the baby is left childless? I literally stressed. Then I met them. I want to say music played and everyone was quiet but actually the opposite happened. We were there in the waiting room when they showed up.I recognized them and introduced myself. We were informed our counselor was in a meeting with a bio mom who changed her mind. All the sudden I was crushed. I mean it NEVER crossed my mind that, that could happen. (I mean I guess if I picked the wrong people maybe I would have backed out I guess its just one of those things I thank GOD I will never know the answer too) After a few minutes of talking we were escorted to a private room. They were getting complaints that we were being too loud. Even in the private room we were getting complaints. So yes the second I met the mom I knew. Our hearts were connected before we even met. It sounds weird but I felt a connection to her that no one else can have with me. They were very sweet and understanding of our situation. I knew RIGHT AWAY that they were perfect, she was my babies mom and he was the dad. So like I said it never crossed my mind to raise the baby on my own I was never the babies 'parent' NEVER!
Then came summer school. It was awesome. I was eating like 20 times a day and our summer school teacher was awesome. I ended up finding comfort in someone I was only acquainted with through high school. Her name was also Kristen and we spent a good time of summer school together. At this time my relationship with my bf and his family was majorly strained. I wasn't sleeping at night, so it was waking everyone up, I wanted to sleep all day which meant everyone in the house needed to be quiet and I refused to close our bedroom window because they smoked and I couldn't stand it. I should add that other than him and myself no one knew I was pregnant. I remember my graduation. I was asked to perform a song with another person which I refused. I sat next to Kristen and I think at some point we were holding hands for support. It was July 9th. I was two days past my due date. I was SHOCKED I was still pregnant.
I will write more maybe tomorrow. I am not feeling well and before I knew it this was SUPER long. I will start with the weekend before I had the baby since July 9th was a Thursday.
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