And then there was day one

Another copy and paste from my main blog. 




The day I left you I walked out of the hospital. I gave your mom and dad your hospital bracelets. I did hold them both ALL day until they were ready to go and I was glad to give them away. At the time I was so happy because these two were so excited to have you. I remember they were on the way to a Diamondbacks game when they were FINALLY reached. They missed this moment Biggest moment: Winning Gylene Hoyle $1m, for predicting Bell's grand slam on July 11, 1999. Said Bell, "I had a 20-year career and without a doubt this was my #1 most enjoyable experience in baseball. Scoring the winning run in the World Series was amazing. I also hit a home run in my first at-bat in the majors. But this was special because I was able to do something that changed somebody's life. There is no better feeling." To be with me. They showed up in their jerseys and the mom and I cried. I walked away though.

Why? I mean looking back I could have taken advantage of the hospital for a couple of days. I was really only there from 3:00am until 8:00pm on July 11th. So the insurance company got off easy and so did the parents because I just didn't think if I stayed I would have been ok with just handing him over.

Quite often I get called selfish. The EXACT line is 'You were old enough to have sex. You were old enough not to protect yourself. You knew the consequences. So giving the baby away is selfish.' Those exact words were spoken to me for YEARS. You one don't know my story. The fact that there are THOUSANDS of married, financially stable, and mature adults out there that cannot conceive makes me NOT selfish.  It makes me selfless. I gave my first born son, my first CHILD, my life, my blood, my 9+ months of work to a couple who had a home, jobs and a family. I put their needs above my own and kept my promise. My promise was a baby, we didn't know the sex until he was born, for them to raise. There were no blurred lines I never though 'Oh I can do this.' NEVER. Not even in the hospital. I thought I CANNOT do this.

I will never regret you baby boy. NEVER!! My choice and decision was based on my heart, my prayers, and my love for you. I prayed for an answer and the next time I turned on the tv there was a commercial for adoption. That was my answer. The SECOND I saw that commercial I knew. Then I prayed for a family and I found your mom and dad FAST it was such an easy process. I know God put me in that agency and in front of your parents for you. Please forgive me when you are old enough to understand. I spend enough time beating myself up for the both of us. It wasn't that I didn't want you, it was that I didn't want your life to be living in multiple homes and cities. I didn't want you to have parents who hated each other and would have been divorced as quickly as we would have needed to get married. The second your mom saw you and I saw you two together I knew you were home in her arms.

Just know the day you were born, I held you. I kissed you and hugged you and spent alone time with you. I promised I would be here when you were ready and that hasn't changed. I hope you are ok and I love you.

A little piece of my heart

I posted this last night on my other blog. 


Tonight my heart breaks. It happens every year. Tonight is the night I should have known. Tonight is the night I was a scared 18 year old feeling alone though I was constantly surrounded by people. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I walked away and left a piece of my heart and soul. Tomorrow is the day I hate but don't regret. I gave the best thing that was in my life away because though it was the most precious, beautiful, AMAZING thing in the whole world to me at 18 it was something I wasn't willing to ruin with my immaturity.

Looking back I was numb. I think until a few years ago I was numb over the whole experience. I had no one holding my hand. I had no support. Yet there I was 18, fresh out of high school and I was making the most mature decision in my WHOLE life. NOTHING TO THIS DAY COMPARES!

I hope in my heart that this decision won't be the thing that ruins my chances at being who I can be. I hope in my heart that I will be forgiven for this decision. I hope in my heart that the pain I feel every year starting today will turn into something beautiful and not this hallow, sad and angry feeling it is today.

To my beautiful birth son whom I went into labor with in 2 hours 12 years ago. I love you. I miss feeling you kick me everyday and though I know you have the most amazing life with the most amazing parents part of me hopes you think of me tonight. Part of me wishes pieces of this were different. Honestly part of me hopes you know I exist. Nothing compares to my feelings for you on this day and I hope one day you will understand.

Love your birth mom. The other mom. Or just simply Chelsie.