72 hours

So per Arizona State law you cannot sign the paper work for legal adoption until 72 hours after the birth. My day in the hospital was day one. I made my appointment Wednesday morning at 8:00 am. I think I was almost scared I would change my mind because of what I had witnessed before so I just wanted to assure his parents I wasn't going to go back on 'our deal' you know. When I left I had their address and contact information so I was able to call them.

I went home thinking YAY BED! What I realized was until I knew he was safe, I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep. Don't get me wrong I left him in the capable hands of the hospital nursery and I was 100% sure at 8am when visiting hours were back the mom and dad would be there to get him. She called me when they got home and talked to me. That call was the ticket into my 24 hours of sleep.

I wasn't depressed. No. I was exhausted. I hadn't really slept in 3 days and so that was my catch up. I ate no food and took no bathroom breaks. All I did from Monday afternoon to Tuesday around 3pm was sleep. My bf and I, I think, went to dinner together. I know he had hopes of calming me down because I was so anxious for the 72 hours to be over. I worried that some how he would get left in the wind and forgotten and then some tragedy would befall his parents and he would have nothing. He would be alone in this world and I did that to him. So I had many nightmares that night and got up around 4 to take a bath and do my hair and make up and pick out the perfect outfit just to sign my baby over to his parents.

I walked into the room and I am sure they all thought I was nuts, I looked like someone ready for a night on the town first thing in the morning but I think it made me feel like I was able to control SOMETHING. I had control of how I looked and I had control of giving those parents hope so I was taking the rains of the things I could and I held on for as long as I could. I had a meeting with my counselor and we talked about the birth and what I had named the baby. Oh I didn't name him. Which seemed to initially shock the lady. When I explained to her that he will always be what his parents name him to me she nodded and told me I was acting very ready. He was NEVER mine to name. I told the parents this during our first meeting. He isn't "mine" he was theirs I felt me naming him would place some sort of possession in me and I thought it would just complicate things so I just didn't. He will remain baby boy to me.

So we had the supervisor come in and we all signed the papers. There were pictures taken and I think coffee and cookies but then I went home. I got on with it. Some things that happened in THIS blog post came back to me very recently. I have a best friend whom I love very much. I will not say her name but she was adopted. She was raised by a wonderful woman and had a great childhood. She said when she met her birth mom all of her 'siblings' referred to her as a totally different name, this is what they named me she said. She said it was confusing and really bothersome even now it bothers her. I felt good that she agreed with my decision, though yes I am realistic that my situation might turn out 100% different but I have hope that he will appreciate something I have done if not everything......(a girl can hope)

Saturday July 10th and Sunday July 11th

So like I said no one knew that I was pregnant in the house I was living in. (Can I just ignore that ONE person at the normal HS graduation was telling everyone why I wasn't there and was giving the real reason so I had come clean to more people then I had bargained for and my summer was kind of complicated.) So on Saturday it was a normal day and thats just how I lived it. My bf painted for a living and so him and I went to paint a home that he was working on. I was tired most of the day and to be honest I think I fell asleep in the car while he finished up but we didn't get home until after midnight maybe even closer to 1:00am. We both layed down and initially it was wonderful.

Then I started to get uncomfortable which as I have said wasn't weird to me. So I got up to get a drink and almost immediately I threw up. I tried again and same thing happened. I was mad! I cannot be sick right now! Days before talking about being induced. So I called the over night Triage at around 1:30am on the 11th. We went through my symptoms and she was shocked that none of them included pain. She insisted because I was already past my due date that I should go to the hospital that there was a large chance I was in labor.

So I woke my bf up and he grabbed garbage bags and put them on the passenger seat (to this day that pisses me off) and we drove the 20 minutes to the hospital I wanted to deliver at. When we got there I got triaged and told yes I was in labor. Now mind you this was around 2:30-3:00 the doctor was immediately paged and I was checked and then rushed to a private delivery room. I started to beg them to call the emergency number for the adoption agency, I wanted the parents there. I was so worried they would miss it that I started to hyperventilate. The doctor came in around 3:15-ish and broke my water, gave me some 'numbing meds' and we started pushing.

I was in tears. We didn't have a camera and had yet to hear from the adoption agency but it seemed the more angry I got the better of a pusher I became. The baby was born at 4:11 am July 11th (I think the time is right I might be a minute off). Honestly it was crazy. I don't remember much. Because it was an adoption they wouldn't let me hold him right away which I guess at the time I was ok with but who gives them the right to decide for me? I am certain it wouldn't have made a difference with me there were no papers legally signed so they had no legal right to do it but I mean I guess it was all for the best. The rushed me out and I went right to sleep as my bf went home to sleep and then to work (yes I was at the hospital all day without him). I myself started to page the adoption agency.

I spent most of the morning in and out of consciousness so upset that the parents missed the birth. When I did finally get a hold of someone she said she had called the Labor and Delivery area but they didn't know who I was (of course they were paged at like 2:30 and I think she waited until after 6 to call which eventually lead to her resigning from her position). So she contacted the parents (who were on their way to a Diamondbacks game) and they rushed up north. Yes I did spend the day with the baby. Once I felt like I got sleep I had them bring him in. I did not let them put the id bracelets on me or my bf I just held on to them so when his mom and dad got there they could have them. They finally arrived at a little after 1pm with the dad's parents. The mom was very concerned for me because I was in tears but I assured her I was ok and ready to sign the papers so they could apply for the birth certificate and make the baby theirs.

I immediately  started to insist they let me go home. I didn't want to spend anytime in the hospital that wasn't necessary and all I wanted was to sleep in my own bed for the night. I will say that I felt connected with the mom. She was so nurturing towards me that night and it was what I needed. I kissed my baby good bye and I promised him it wasn't the last time we would meet. I told him his life was going to be full of love and hope and security and that his mommy and daddy loved him so so much that they waited so long to get him and prayed for a mommy like me to carry him for them. I told him that I never felt anything but love for him and it was why I needed to make the choice to give him to responsible parents who would be capable of giving him things I couldn't even give myself. I had a picture up until a few years ago of the two of us that helped me get through. I don't even know if anyone knew I had it. My friend at the time took it for me and had it developed and brought it to me before I left the hospital. I left looking at it. I think for about a year I slept with this picture in my hands. It was the ONLY reason at the time I was able to walk away.  It did end up just crumbling in my hands though. I wish I could remember how the picture looked. You would think since I studied it intently for so long that I could sketch it but I can barely remember it.

I apologize

I honestly wanted to update today but I have been sick and wasn't up to it. Plus my daughter had cheer tonight which took 2 hours of my day. I will MOST LIKELY blog tomorrow night.

Thank you for following.

Back and at it

So any who. I kept at my after school activities and was still friends with most people from earlier years in High School but I felt SO disconnected. I hated to feel like I would be judged so I hid my pregnancy. There were a few token people who knew including a few teachers who to this day I appreciate their patience with me. As I turned 18 I started to visit the doctor alone and found an adoption agency. Before its asked of my, YES the dad was 100% involved with the situation. He signed the papers right there along with me. Yet some how at 7 months NO ONE knew! I still am shocked I was able to pull off that EPIC secret for so long.

Then came the class of 99 graduation. Since I was in the band it was mandatory to attend the ceremony as it was like your final grade. I don't remember the whole thing but I know me and our director got into it and there was alot of arguing about me attending I tried for most of our fight to not use the baby card but it eventually came out and how sad I would be at watching all of my friends walk the stage without me. Having to be asked why I was not walking would have been also very embarrassing so we found another way for me to do a 'final test' I wish I could remember but I know he respected me in the end for not starting with something he knew I knew would give me the win.

At this time we were interviewing perspective adoptive parents. I cannot express how difficult this process was. We got sent home with many folders of families. I don't remember the EXACT amount of time it took but we narrowed it down to two families. At the time we just wanted a stay at home mommy and a family who took vacations often. I know it sounds silly but age and background and religion meant NOTHING to us. The first family we met I cannot explain them completely. They both worked for an airline, were 'older', and had a son. I cannot remember if it was 'their' birth son but he was brought with them. The meeting with them was hectic and HARD. I couldn't for the life of me connect with the family at all. Our hearts were not meant to be connected. I knew it. I was afraid to meet the second family. It SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!

What if we don't get along? What if we have to start over? What if we run out of time and the baby is left childless? I literally stressed. Then I met them. I want to say music played and everyone was quiet but actually the opposite happened. We were there in the waiting room when they showed up.I recognized them and introduced myself. We were informed our counselor was in a meeting with a bio mom who changed her mind. All the sudden I was crushed. I mean it NEVER crossed my mind that, that could happen. (I mean I guess if I picked the wrong people maybe I would have backed out I guess its just one of those things I thank GOD I will never know the answer too) After a few minutes of talking we were escorted to a private room. They were getting complaints that we were being too loud. Even in the private room we were getting complaints. So yes the second I met the mom I knew. Our hearts were connected before we even met. It sounds weird but I felt a connection to her that no one else can have with me. They were very sweet and understanding of our situation. I knew RIGHT AWAY that they were perfect, she was my babies mom and he was the dad. So like I said it never crossed my mind to raise the baby on my own I was never the babies 'parent' NEVER!

Then came summer school. It was awesome. I was eating like 20 times a day and our summer school teacher was awesome. I ended up finding comfort in someone I was only acquainted with through high school. Her name was also Kristen and we spent a good time of summer school together. At this time my relationship with my bf and his family was majorly strained. I wasn't sleeping at night, so it was waking everyone up, I wanted to sleep all day which meant everyone in the house needed to be quiet and I refused to close our bedroom window because they smoked and I couldn't stand it. I should add that other than him and myself no one knew I was pregnant. I remember my graduation. I was asked to perform a song with another person which I refused. I sat next to Kristen and I think at some point we were holding hands for support. It was July 9th. I was two days past my due date. I was SHOCKED I was still pregnant.

I will write more maybe tomorrow. I am not feeling well and before I knew it this was SUPER long. I will start with the weekend before I had the baby since July 9th was a Thursday.