I am a BIG fan of 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom. I watch the show every week and am sadly fascinated by the way it plays out. If mine would have been televised I will tell you this my adoption plan wouldn't have changed. I would have told everyone, I think, but adoption was the main goal in my heart and I knew the second I met his parents that they were his parents.
When I look back I don't regret it. I mean I wish I could have trusted his family to not treat me poorly and then maybe I would have shared with them but I hid it for a year (from conception) before I used it to hurt them. So yeah looking back maybe I could have been smarter about that but its not my job as an 18 year old to protect them. Not that they were the worst people to live with but for years after I moved away from them I went through stages of depression, anger and frustration. I have blocked out periods of my life between the ages of 18 and 21 because I was either black out drunk or maybe I am afraid of how I will react to it so I have forgotten it.
If my ex were to ever read this I mean I would apologize for all the sadness I caused him but I don't take any of it back. I needed help and he wasn't helping me. I needed space and he smothered me. I needed someone to see ME and all he saw was who I was and not who I was becoming. I was screaming for help in a million different ways and no matter what I did he just pushed me in the wrong ways. Like if I cried he bought me gifts, if we fought we went out for dinner so we couldn't fight and if I was sick of him he took me to work with him. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird.
So with my son's 12th birthday on July 11th each passing day is getting harder for me. I am still not in contact with his parents and have been tempted to write letters to all their known addresses to see if I can get anywhere.....Breathing sucks, sleeping sucks, even day dreaming during this time HURTS. I know his parents think what they are doing is good for him but its ruining me why not at least give me small updates? tell me WHY you aren't talking to me. UNBREAK MY HEART! We are going to Utah the weekend before his birthday and I know I will cry all weekend. We are going to Provo to my family's plots and the last time I was there was when my grandpa died and I was pregnant with Jordan who is nearly 8. My mom asked for pictures of my older brothers headstone (or whatever its called) and I will spend time with each family member buried there. I just am hoping this trip isn't smashed because I am so sad over the whole communication and having no one to talk about it with.......
Kristen I would really love to have lunch with you soon :(
