Lows

I feel now like I hide the worst part of my lows from everyone. I hate when I see others having the relationship with their child and the parents that I used to have and still want. My heart breaks so much when I remember that it was cut. I think I hide these times because, well, I don't want my son to come back at am and accuse me of not being supportive or attacking his parents.

I mean I am in no way doing either of those things and I know it but it doesn't make my life any easier to do anything. I can throw fits and get no where, I can avoid them and get no where or I can do what I did and hope my adoption agency will continue to advocate for me and the parents will keep responding.

I wish I had more information like, if they told him about the adoption when planned or if they held out and why. If if they stuck to it and how he reacted. I would hope they would encourage him to ask questions about me and I would also hope they are telling him all the things I told them all that time ago when we were all close. Or that if he has any questions now that they would contact me and ask me.

My thoughts are just out of control. I KNOW watching Teen Mom brings it out in me, all the doubt and hurt and sadness and jealousy. Nothing I can do to change what his parents want but I miss him.

Just over a month

I am 33 days from an epic day in my sons life. He is going to be 13. There are things that surround the day of this birth like the missed Due Date, my high school graduation, and then the relinquishment. All those things come within a week of the other.

I am starting to notice things about myself. When I go to the store when I find something cute its like I immediately realize I can't have it by stating it would look better on X person and then I send them a photo of it to prove myself right. It could be cost or size or color but something in me snaps and I realize I just can't do it.

Somehow that just suddenly reminded me of my adoption process. I looked at this child I just gave birth too like he was never mine to begin with. When I saw his mom holding him it just sealed the deal for me. While his DNA is one half me his life wasn't mine to witness first hand. It was my duty to give him life and my duty to protect him and give him everything. I did that in picking his parents. They are the perfect people for him.

When I met the mom I can nearly remember the fear in her eyes. I can't remember much about what we talked about, this was more then 13 years ago now, but I remember the fear and the hurt. His dad had a wall a HUGE wall up, which I promise you is STILL UP, but she was vulnerable. She was asking without saying a word for me to help her. I love them both, anger or not, and am embracing life and not anger.