Are the walls closing in?

I am so sad and stressed that this won't go my way. My heart is already so broken. My options in this are to be happy that I got what I got and return my walls into UP position when it comes to the adoption or I can at least have faith that I have done everything right and they will give me what I deserve being a rule following caring individual.

I love and miss my son everyday. Sadly this connection I have to him has dulled over time. I used to be able to feel him in my heart and now its faded to practically nothing. When I can't stand the pain of something I usually just shove it back into the back of my mind and let it be forgotten. This is something that may not be able to be forgotten but my emotions for it are so close to the surface that one little let down I am afraid will collapse me. I just need my hand held.......

Dreading each email

So its been MONTHS since anything. In fact today I am literally expecting a flat NO. I don't blame them but it hurts that they feel I cannot be trusted. Not that I have ever given them reason to not trust me they just apparently don't. I am heart broken. So I am marking this today, I have 5 years and just under 4 months until I can seek my son out and seek forgiveness. The worst I can do is nothing. If he questions my actions I will show him the things I have done to restart contact but I am certain doing those things will get me no where.

Why am I so matter of fact about it? Trying to not feel pain I guess.

it happens

A girl on my fb posted a picture of her and her birth son. She ran into him and his parents at a store and got a few pictures. I am so glad that she gets the opportunity to live near them and that they are so willing to just stop and hang out and take pics. That is so great for all of them.

How else do I feel? Jealous. To be honest I never got that opportunity. I mean don't get me wrong when I knew we lived in the same state I would find myself on their side of town going to all sorts of places just for the "Oh you come here?" convo. Of course I was young and didn't think about the places I went too. Like music stores, malls and Ikea.

I think now looking back and thinking to when I go there now I have the same reaction when I go in. The thought 'Are they here? Its possible! I wonder if they would recognize me?' This goes through my mind each time. Its actually just ONE specific mall here. I won't say which one but that's what I have.....