Is there regret?

I get asked OFTEN about any regrets I have about the adoption. I don't have any I want to make that 100% clear. In watching some old shows on netflix lately I ran across an old episode of Brothers and Sisters where Kitty and Robert are meeting with a potential bio mom and she is 100% sure of her decision but Kitty is not sold and so she pushes the mom to think about changing her mind and in the end she decides not to go with Kitty and Robert.

When I was making my adoption plan they suggest you think about the 'what if's' assuming if you think about it before hand you will be less likely to change your mind in the end and saving a bunch of people heartache. The thing is I thought about raising the kid on my own daily while I was expecting. Its something you go through every SECOND. Internally I fought with myself, I was born to be a mommy I could emotionally do it. My heart though knew I wouldn't be in it 100% I could talk myself into doing it but I would make many people crash and burn.

This is where I think I became the most rational person I know. I can't help it anymore, when situations get presented to me I am already thinking about today, tomorrow and 5 years from now. Plus all the people around me and if it would be a good situation or a bad one. So I never expressed this need to raise the baby externally though. I knew where my life would have ended up if I would have not made an adoption plan and in my head it was law. If I would have backed out I would have never forgiven myself. NEVER. Even with what is going on with the whole open adoption closing shut in my face 2 years ago without warning I am still positive I made the right decision. I may not like the situation but I am going to accept that God has a plan for this and I know he will show me the light when I am ready. Maybe right now is not my time to reconnect with them, though it kills me DAILY. The best I can do is pray they are all doing well and keep myself easily found in their lives so they can connect with me.

Skipping through to today

I struggle alot lately. I feel alone like I have no one to talk too. Fact of the matter is things never go as planned and I was left standing in the wreckage asking why. I had excellent communication with the mom up until nearly 3 years ago. He turned 9 I got my 'yearly' photos and then I was told they were moving back to Ill. I was ok with it, since they had been between the two cities since he was born it was just something I was accustomed too. The dad went where there was good work I understood that. A year went by I never gave it a second thought. Then his 10th birthday rolled around, this was the age the parents decided to tell him about his adoption (if he hadn't figured it out already), so I waited patiently for an email which never came.

A month after his 10th birthday I composed an email and sent it out thinking well maybe the forgot. Yeah that wasn't the issue, when they moved they changed their email address, which was NOT new practice for them they did it every time, and I wasn't kept in the loop. I just broke into tears. I had NO WAY to contact them and I all the sudden felt like a burden. I spent the next year rationalizing (the other mommy to the oldest son was WAYYY clingy when they lived here which was what prompted their first move to the Northwest he turned 10 two years before my son, I think) so I figured she was being intrusive again and they decided it would be best to continue up there. I contacted the adoption agency to update my info, yeah TO THIS DAY AFTER I DON'T KNOW THIRTY CALLS, no one has returned one.

I don't have friends in my situation, its not like I can hop a flight to confront them, I was lost. Then last year I tried emailing the dad on FB around his 11th birthday he never responded. Then a couple of months ago I realized the mom had a fb so I sent a similar email to her just pointing out the 'mix up' and asking for new pics and an update on the last two years and still nothing. Last year on his birthday I sat and cried, actually as I currently am, those updates kept me sane. My bf cooked me steaks and bought me chocolates and pampered me (luckily and sadly all at once my step daughter's mom has the same birthday so she is usually with her mom and not on my case and making my emotions worse) I had a friend come over, though I pleaded with MANY to distract me none were interested, her and I watched Dave Matthews Band DVD's and I think A Night At The Roxbury I was still sad but it felt good that I could lean on someone. Of course her and I are no longer friends for whatever reason so there is that. I just have nothing to look forward too with that anymore and it makes me sad everyday. Today has been the hardest yet. I don't even know why, nothing about today is significant when it comes to him at least in my memory so why today? Each time I sit at the computer to type about him I cry, I have about 30 unpublished blogs just rambling about nothing that don't even pertain to him because I can't write about him when I am so mixed up about the whole thing....

Life changing

So I quickly went on to get a job and 'act my age' but all I wanted to do was settle down. I was 18, living with my 'husband to be' and it was like nothing changed. He treated me the same. Not to say he was a total bad guy but he just wasn't nice. Ok Ok like I said I was mean to him but after the adoption I think he decided it was all my fault and so he began to take it out on me. I don't remember if I said before so I will say it now. When I had the baby I KNEW with all my heart that we weren't meant to be.

Holding that baby was all I needed to know about love. When I walked away my heart shattered into a million pieces. I just hoped that Mark and my relationship would be at the other end of my pieces. I felt stupid and I wanted to prove myself WRONG. How could I have a child with a man I didn't even know? We were together off and on for nearly 3 years and he was like a stranger to me! We fought all the time. I will honestly say from July until like the Beginning of September we put an honest foot forward to our relationship. I guess he was still willing to try and I guess he did but from about the middle of September until the end of October I was closed off and done. I was never home. I worked all the time, I was at my old high school for football games and I think at the time I had a visit with the mom and dad. (This whole time is super blurry to me).

So one night at the end of October, I had an apartment and roommates. I had a full time job and I just needed to get out so I took Mark to a Denny's where I broke it off. I then moved out the next day. The issue was I had spent my whole life with him for over a year, his family was my family so moving out wasn't the end. I was mean, I strung him along for a while which to this day I super regret but I will continue later. Next is the first time my life began to spiral out of control.