What did someone say to you

I hope my friend doesn't get mad at me for bringing this up but she posted something the other day about someone calling an adopted child a rescue, like an animal. I am totally floored that someone is that ignorant! WOW!

*smh*

I have no patience for this anymore. My mouth is going to have to start going full speed to encourage POSITIVE adoption conversations. Damn!

Life Altering

My life was stale for a while. I was letting the same people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I put up fights but not hard enough. I was beaten battered and abused. What it all comes down to is in my personal life I don't FULLY deal with my emotions so when I am alone I don't 'cry' or 'lash' out I just hide behind my words or music that best describes those feelings.

When I was younger, like in my teens and before the adoption, I would write for HOURS on end in journals and turn those things into music, poems and sonnets. I still to this day think if I applied myself and let it all flow that I could write a pretty thich book about my life but change names and people in it.

In no way is my situation normal, though whos is, but in no way is my situation abnormal. I know who I am and I have an idea of who I want to be those aren't the issues. The issues are what are my next steps, EVERYTIME. So here I am today and I know my next step, getting a job. Fixing my life piece by piece. What I want, and why I wrote this here, is I want my kids to be proud of me. I want my son to look back on my hard times and thank me for not dragging him through the dirt and I want my daughter to see how hard I worked at making her life as great as it could be so she knows I love her too.

Approaching a hard topic

I won't be giving an accurate deception of this article but quite honestly I couldn't get through it without breaking into heaving sobs but its out there. There is this article in the SLC times and it talks about 'Open Adoption' and the good it puts out there. While I agree whole heartily I also disagree. These 'written contracts' are crap. I think that if we are going to enter into a lifetime of trust it ALL needs to be legal. It ALL needs to go through the courts and ALL parties need to be notified if ANYTHING changes. Divorce, moving, even a change in the adoption contract. I think we all need to be held legally responsible for our actions because everything we do will be apart of this child life.

I think a judge needs to be able to look at a situation with a fresh perspective and make a judgement call for the well being of the child. People like myself shouldn't be kept away. People who are intrusive should be. Yeah its all my anger and sadness in this but I honestly there needs to be new laws and courts put into play so things like what I have experienced don't happen. So I don't sit here thinking 'Well IF I fought these people in court.....' Yes ok I know going to court is stupid for just pictures and letters and I am not saying it would ever go past just the thought but the fact that the thought is there is whats irritating. I shouldn't have to think that just to hear how this child is doing.....

Media

So apparently every show I watch has an adoption plot line. What happens is I am extremely lenient with how adoption is portrayed. What happens is that there is the ONE show that breaks the line. The recent show has a young girl pregnant and she is talking about open adoption and her conversation with the other kid basically makes an attempt to insult those who have open adoptions.

She talks about how 'birth moms' show up for birthday's and Holidays. How they interrupt this kids life multiple times a year and upset the kid. Then just walk away. Then she tries to make it better by saying it doesn't mean its not right for others its just not right for her. You know don't walk around slinging mud and then try to fix it with a stupid one liner!

Annoyed.

The day

I signed my rights over on July 14th. There is a 72 hour hold in AZ where nothing can be done. I left the hospital the night I had you and let your mom and dad take over care immediately. They both had the hospital bracelets and came and got you the very next day when the doctor released you. We were all so very glad you were where you needed to be but I just wanted to be sure you were safe at all times so the hold was the worst 3 days of my life. I tried my best to stay calm but I was so worried about you in those two days you weren't in the hospital, what IF something went terribly wrong? I would have never forgiven myself.

First thing on that Wednesday morning I was at the agency awaiting paperwork. It was like the never ending story. I was so anxious to make sure your parents could become your parents that it never crossed my mind until it was over how I wasn't your mom anymore. I was so sad on the drive home. You were no longer mine.

I would tell your mom how I read stores about how mother and child are always connected by 'sound' that YOU would always remember my voice but that thought faded a few years ago. It really hurts that I am not in contact with you and your family like I had hoped and while 'Life goes on' it never gets any easier knowing you are older. I miss you everyday.

Happy 13th Birthday

13 years ago today I was in a hospital alone. Contemplating my life and how I felt I had let not only myself down but you. You birth father couldn't even take the day off to comfort me when I was spiraling out of control. It was a Sunday. July 11th. A friend from school came and sat with me in the morning and held me while I cried, sadly her and I went our separate ways less then a year later. Between her leaving and your mom and dad finally being contacted and calling me to let me know they were on their way I had tons of time.

I knew how scared they were. The harsh realities were I could change my mind at any second and to be honest while we had made the connection I had the same worry, that they would change their mind. That they would see me with you and back out. Its not an easy task deciding to had over the miracle of life I had gotten so accustomed to feeling inside me for over 9 months. You were what made me feel somewhat human while I had NO CLUE what I was doing with my life.

I wish I could sit here and say I had plans of going to college and that was my reasoning because to be honest college wouldn't have led me to adoption. If that was my mind set I would have fought to keep you and still left your birth dad. Adoption set in because I had NO CLUE what I wanted out of life. I was 18 and alone. I had no goals and ambitions and really nothing to call my own, so how was I going to raise a child out of that? My family and I were on the outs and again the elusive birth dad's family couldn't be bothered with me. If he didn't do so much for them I would have been on the street WAY before I left him.

I never truly forgave myself for the adoption. It reminds me of this Episode of 'Friends' where Joey tells Pheobe that there is no true Selfless act that 'All selfless acts are selfish' that doing anything for anyone ends up being selfish. In the end everyone ends up a lot happy and a little bit sad. Do I wish I could have raised you? TOTALLY! Do I wish I could have waited to have you? Of course! Would I do any of it differently? NO FRIGGIN' WAY! You are the best version of you because 4 people loved you so much that they did everything in their power the second they met you to make sure your life was amazing.

So I end today in saying I love you so much. I hope one day you have a chance to sit down and read my blogs so you can see how much you mean to me. I saw pictures of you a couple of months ago and you look so much like your dad and you look so happy and healthy and BIG! (Kid is nearly 6 feet tall!!!) I hope you feel me in your heart today because for the first time in a few years I actually feel you. I miss you.

Moody

With the impending birthday 4 days away I have been more moody then usual. So its why I have not been blogging. Today I made him a beautiful Chocolate Mint Ice Cream Cake while cleaning my home in preparation for the small gathering I am having here tomorrow with a few friends.

As I sit here I am thinking of how NOTHING goes as planned and while I enjoy making plans and when they work I throw a mini party I am ready for the unexpected.

His due date was yesterday 13 years ago. He didn't come because he knew I had 3 more days of school and a graduation to attend. He was the most patient baby and while he got the hiccups OFTEN, as did his little sister, he was never a bother. I mean the throwing up nightly was a bother but in 9 months I just learned to live with it. It was just another thing that tied me to him. I was keeping him safe for his mom and dad and while I currently don't think they appreciated me as much as I had hoped I am sure they treat him like the most precious jewel in the world.

8 days away

His birthday is 8 days away and I have been having dreams about him. It makes me wake up sad. I can't think straight currently about it. I have a bad feeling so instead of feel it I am going to wait until next week to feel it. I need to survive this sadness for 5 more days.

Lows

I feel now like I hide the worst part of my lows from everyone. I hate when I see others having the relationship with their child and the parents that I used to have and still want. My heart breaks so much when I remember that it was cut. I think I hide these times because, well, I don't want my son to come back at am and accuse me of not being supportive or attacking his parents.

I mean I am in no way doing either of those things and I know it but it doesn't make my life any easier to do anything. I can throw fits and get no where, I can avoid them and get no where or I can do what I did and hope my adoption agency will continue to advocate for me and the parents will keep responding.

I wish I had more information like, if they told him about the adoption when planned or if they held out and why. If if they stuck to it and how he reacted. I would hope they would encourage him to ask questions about me and I would also hope they are telling him all the things I told them all that time ago when we were all close. Or that if he has any questions now that they would contact me and ask me.

My thoughts are just out of control. I KNOW watching Teen Mom brings it out in me, all the doubt and hurt and sadness and jealousy. Nothing I can do to change what his parents want but I miss him.

Just over a month

I am 33 days from an epic day in my sons life. He is going to be 13. There are things that surround the day of this birth like the missed Due Date, my high school graduation, and then the relinquishment. All those things come within a week of the other.

I am starting to notice things about myself. When I go to the store when I find something cute its like I immediately realize I can't have it by stating it would look better on X person and then I send them a photo of it to prove myself right. It could be cost or size or color but something in me snaps and I realize I just can't do it.

Somehow that just suddenly reminded me of my adoption process. I looked at this child I just gave birth too like he was never mine to begin with. When I saw his mom holding him it just sealed the deal for me. While his DNA is one half me his life wasn't mine to witness first hand. It was my duty to give him life and my duty to protect him and give him everything. I did that in picking his parents. They are the perfect people for him.

When I met the mom I can nearly remember the fear in her eyes. I can't remember much about what we talked about, this was more then 13 years ago now, but I remember the fear and the hurt. His dad had a wall a HUGE wall up, which I promise you is STILL UP, but she was vulnerable. She was asking without saying a word for me to help her. I love them both, anger or not, and am embracing life and not anger.  

Something I JUST read and I am horrified

So I am WAY behind in my reading but finally caught up with my mags today and my take away? People are bat shit crazy! The last story I read, I think in Cosmo was this story about a University of Washington student who was dating some guy and on their second date she realized they were going to hook up. She constantly reminded him she wanted him to wear protection which she saw him put on, even knowing she was protected herself with the nuva ring. Right after sex she looked over and noticed that he had not only removed his condom during sex but had also taken it upon himself to remove her Nuva Ring! She was mortified.

Days later she confronted him and he let her know he in no way wanted her to be pregnant but that she 'wouldn't get pregnant'

The reason I am saying something other than the obvious, check yourself before you sleep with some scum bag like this, is this is how many unplanned pregnancies happen. His way of thinking the whole 'You won't get pregnant' comment really grinds me. Kind of like saying I am indestructible and not only will you not get pregnant but you will not get any STD's because of my complete disregard for even my own safety.

Before I end this yes the girl was tested and no she came back with no STD's and no she did not have a baby but I were to ever meet this guy I think I may want to kick him in the junk!

Not there, at least today

So I haven't really been upset about anything lately. We moved nearly two weeks ago and so my focus has been on the move and the packing and unpacking. While I would hate to say I don't think about my son, which isn't the case he crosses my mind most of the day, I just haven't been upset or sad at all. I try to reserve my anger for what is going on in my life that I have some type of control over or for the 'Why' of how I got here.

I recently found out that my son's father thought it would be a great idea to ask out my BEST friend shortly after I left him. Apparently she kept it from me because we were friends for a long while after him and I were done but that didn't stop him, while at the same time trying to DESPERATELY get back with me. Now I thought I would be angry but I was wrong, I mean it was a bit confusing to me when I initially heard it but honestly she kept it from me because she was trying to protect me which I understand. Its not her fault he is a dirt bag.

I wish he read my blog to be honest. I would hate for all this I say to go on deaf ears but I am to a point where I want NOTHING to do with him ever. I know that my son's parents will eventually ask for his contact info, though I am certain this is YEARS down the line, so I mean I know HOW to get a hold of him IF I had too but luckily I don't which is a relief to me because he makes me really uncomfortable. I found the man I will be with for life and I am happy in that. I can't ask for more.

'16 and Pregnant'

I am into the show because I was once '17 and Pregnant' living in a life I hated, feeling smothered and like I was drowning at every second of everyday. If I would have been portrayed on the show I am sure things would have turned out differently and I may have been pressured to keep my child by my bf's parents even though I didn't want too. When his mom found out I was pregnant in her house, MONTHS after I gave birth might I add, her first words were we would have helped you KEEP the baby. HA yeah ok you think that and I am sure she does to this day.

So here is my perspective on this whole idea. I like the concept of the show. It doesn't hide anything it shows these girls trapped in lives because they are now with child. They have no freedom to act like teens because they went in the relationship with the attitude of 'It can't happen to me.' How do I know? That was my though process, NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN TO ME and if I let it go long enough maybe it will just go away and work itself out. I don't think these girls are uneducated on birth control most of them were on the pill or using contraception of some kind the issue is miss use  and lack of control with their thinking.

The issue that arises is that yes in the heat of the moment even you the adult reader don't always think about the last time you took the pill or if he is wearing the condom unless you have had at least one unplanned pregnancy. I haven't done any research to support my thoughts here but I am willing to bet that the reason the morning after pill became an over the counter drug is because insurance companies were getting sick of paying out for doctors visits for the script or having soon to be mom's explain the reason they are pregnant is because they didn't have time to make an appointment with their OB/GYN to get the script so it becomes a bigger cost to the insurance company because the mom ends up conceiving and adding a child to the medical plan.

If you are a teen reading this here is my opinion, it CAN, it WILL and it HAS happened to people you know! Be more then educated be an advocate for your future and be sure you are protected. If you are young, like under 23, ALWAYS use a condom with OR without the pill or whatever you are using IF you are using something. Not only does it help prevent pregnancy but it helps prevent STD's. You don't know where your partner has been and you don't know where they are going when you aren't around. Not saying that everyone is cheating what I am saying is that you don't know who ISN'T cheating. You also don't know if you will be with your partner for a week or 5 years so not using every form of protection you can is just risking too much.

If you have any questions visit www.itsyoursexlife.com BE EDUCATED!

The new

So I went through the proper channels and got an update about my son recently. I was ecstatic, excited, scared and worried all at once. Its been three years since I have heard anything and so when I got the letter I was wrought with all emotions at once. I wish things were different I really do but just getting this update made my whole week. I had only told a couple of people I would be hearing from his mom within the month so I wouldn't have to keep explaining to EVERYONE why nothing had come.

A little while ago I had to deal with some anger about my situation from someone outside of it. While I see the anger and frustration its just NOT WORTH IT. I can explain and honestly its pretty simple when I met his parents I knew INSTANTLY they were his parents. I knew we would be tied together for life the instant I saw them in person. When discussing things with them I felt like a part of their family, they just had a way of making you want to be a part of what they had created.

They made me promises about my childs life that just showed me I was making the right decision. They were talking about a life I had always wanted as a child for mine! I couldn't have been happier, or more jealous! LOL The thing about this situation is yes I am upset and yes I feel like I deserve an apology and a better explanation then 'We got busy' BUT they kept each and every promise they ever made to me. My child is happy, he is well rounded, he does things that keep him active and that challenge him and he takes the vacations I always wish I could. I can't say his family is a happy family now, I can't say that he loves where he is what I can say is I couldn't have made a better choice. With me life would have been horrible, for all of us. I hated his dad for what he had done to me, for the words that were said and the hatred that I felt.

I can't explain away what I did though. My child may never want to have a relationship with me and sadly I HAVE to accept that. I would never want to go back and change our situation though and all I can do is hope that he takes the high road and looks at what I went through and understands that I put his needs before my own and I did that for 9 months and for his whole life.

So thank you to his mom and dad. Thank you to his brother and whole family. I know I don't have to worry about him I know he is happy and healthy and growing at a faster rate of speed then we can keep up, we predicted when he was hours old that he was going to outgrow everyone! HAHAHA I only hope that you speak fondly of me and encourage positive discussions of me when I do come up. I love you all and hope that this letter is just the beginning of more to come. That you will trust me and know that I would NEVER compromise anything that came to you and I hold you close to my heart and prayers every day.

Your opinion is based on NOTHING

I hate when people have an opinion on MY situation when it comes to MY adoption situation. Oh and most of the people who have opinions have GREAT relationships with their childs Aparents. GUESS WHAT? Your opinion is based on perfection in my eyes. You made a plan and both of you are sticking to it. I made a plan too and for some reason after 9 years of building relations and trust and love the plan shattered at my feet with NO warning and NO reason.

Do not pretend you understand or try and stand against MY situation when you don't know what I go through EVERY DAY! I love my sons parents for everything they have done and I would NEVER take back what I did. I will never bad mouth them for doing what they felt was right in fact I have said time and time again if they CAME TO ME and let me know they wanted to halt communication for a time I would have been upset but at least I would have known and I could have prepared myself for it.

Yes I am heart broken daily thinking about how much I would love to restore communication but again its MY situation. If you aren't living in my shoes you don't get a choice. So take a stand against something you know nothing about but be warned you are fighting a LOOSING battle.

Are the walls closing in?

I am so sad and stressed that this won't go my way. My heart is already so broken. My options in this are to be happy that I got what I got and return my walls into UP position when it comes to the adoption or I can at least have faith that I have done everything right and they will give me what I deserve being a rule following caring individual.

I love and miss my son everyday. Sadly this connection I have to him has dulled over time. I used to be able to feel him in my heart and now its faded to practically nothing. When I can't stand the pain of something I usually just shove it back into the back of my mind and let it be forgotten. This is something that may not be able to be forgotten but my emotions for it are so close to the surface that one little let down I am afraid will collapse me. I just need my hand held.......

Dreading each email

So its been MONTHS since anything. In fact today I am literally expecting a flat NO. I don't blame them but it hurts that they feel I cannot be trusted. Not that I have ever given them reason to not trust me they just apparently don't. I am heart broken. So I am marking this today, I have 5 years and just under 4 months until I can seek my son out and seek forgiveness. The worst I can do is nothing. If he questions my actions I will show him the things I have done to restart contact but I am certain doing those things will get me no where.

Why am I so matter of fact about it? Trying to not feel pain I guess.

it happens

A girl on my fb posted a picture of her and her birth son. She ran into him and his parents at a store and got a few pictures. I am so glad that she gets the opportunity to live near them and that they are so willing to just stop and hang out and take pics. That is so great for all of them.

How else do I feel? Jealous. To be honest I never got that opportunity. I mean don't get me wrong when I knew we lived in the same state I would find myself on their side of town going to all sorts of places just for the "Oh you come here?" convo. Of course I was young and didn't think about the places I went too. Like music stores, malls and Ikea.

I think now looking back and thinking to when I go there now I have the same reaction when I go in. The thought 'Are they here? Its possible! I wonder if they would recognize me?' This goes through my mind each time. Its actually just ONE specific mall here. I won't say which one but that's what I have.....

It happens

So I keep telling myself NOT to get my hopes up. I know I could go the rest of my life never hearing from my son's parents or even him. The problem is the week before Christmas I got a little TINY bit of a glimmer of hope so now here I am getting let down.

No promises were made and none were expected, outwardly, but I always want to be apart of his life......

Is this wrong of me. I guess while seeing my fellow birth mom's talk about seeing their birth children over the holidays or planning on seeing them for their birthday's this year I think I get envious. I wish i still had the same relationship with his parents that I did when he was a baby.

Its heart breaking that they feel the need to not trust me. If I didn't love his parents I think this would hurt less. Maybe I need to find a way to become disconnected from him and them so when these things happen I can just 'not care' is this even possible? I mean for those who know me would it be as hard as I think for me to just remove myself from the situation and ignore the hurt and sadness and let these things just roll off of my back when they happen.

I mean I have to tell you its NOT EASY. I have tried but it sits here festering in my gut like under cooked chicken. It has to come out and if its anger, tears or eating somehow it manifests itself in a bad way.