Happy 13th Birthday

13 years ago today I was in a hospital alone. Contemplating my life and how I felt I had let not only myself down but you. You birth father couldn't even take the day off to comfort me when I was spiraling out of control. It was a Sunday. July 11th. A friend from school came and sat with me in the morning and held me while I cried, sadly her and I went our separate ways less then a year later. Between her leaving and your mom and dad finally being contacted and calling me to let me know they were on their way I had tons of time.

I knew how scared they were. The harsh realities were I could change my mind at any second and to be honest while we had made the connection I had the same worry, that they would change their mind. That they would see me with you and back out. Its not an easy task deciding to had over the miracle of life I had gotten so accustomed to feeling inside me for over 9 months. You were what made me feel somewhat human while I had NO CLUE what I was doing with my life.

I wish I could sit here and say I had plans of going to college and that was my reasoning because to be honest college wouldn't have led me to adoption. If that was my mind set I would have fought to keep you and still left your birth dad. Adoption set in because I had NO CLUE what I wanted out of life. I was 18 and alone. I had no goals and ambitions and really nothing to call my own, so how was I going to raise a child out of that? My family and I were on the outs and again the elusive birth dad's family couldn't be bothered with me. If he didn't do so much for them I would have been on the street WAY before I left him.

I never truly forgave myself for the adoption. It reminds me of this Episode of 'Friends' where Joey tells Pheobe that there is no true Selfless act that 'All selfless acts are selfish' that doing anything for anyone ends up being selfish. In the end everyone ends up a lot happy and a little bit sad. Do I wish I could have raised you? TOTALLY! Do I wish I could have waited to have you? Of course! Would I do any of it differently? NO FRIGGIN' WAY! You are the best version of you because 4 people loved you so much that they did everything in their power the second they met you to make sure your life was amazing.

So I end today in saying I love you so much. I hope one day you have a chance to sit down and read my blogs so you can see how much you mean to me. I saw pictures of you a couple of months ago and you look so much like your dad and you look so happy and healthy and BIG! (Kid is nearly 6 feet tall!!!) I hope you feel me in your heart today because for the first time in a few years I actually feel you. I miss you.